the old-school guestbook archives
my amazon wish list... my favorite astrologer... my favorite artist... yerba mate revolution! erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys... no more war: MoveOn.org United for Peace and Justice True Majority seek the truth: Common Dreams Unamerican Activities The Nation people I adore, diaries I read: rev.raikes ariana cubiclegirl epiphany glitter333 laurakay wammo the music: the asylum street spankers backyard tire fire blue highway bill camplin wendy colonna freedom tribe joules graves guy forsyth band hamsa lila hanuman libby kirkpatrick leftover salmon pamela means medeski martin & wood the motet the nice outfit nickel creek open road rose polenzani railroad earth south austin jug band string cheese incident taarka tha musemeant the devil makes three tim o'brien band trolley wild sage keller williams yonder mountain string band |
the big black whole ~ November 28, 2006 - 6:22 p.m. this is what risa has to say about today: Tuesday is formidable, apt to be confounding, we'll feel like we're drowning in sorrows, and whatever direction we choose is blocked. just so. but really, it's been the past two days. I forget about depression, I really do. most of the time I'm in a relatively good frame of mind, even when things are challenging. but when it comes, it comes all at once. and because I'm not expecting it, it sometimes takes me a while to even realize. I start to notice a weight between my shoulderblades, fifty pounds of sorrows pushing me down. I start to realize that the only position that feels comfortable and natural is the fetal one. everything is unsatisfying, and all I want to do is crawl back into bed. I don't indulge depression, but neither do I pretend it doesn't exist. mostly I try to stay functional and feed myself what comfort I can find. I wait for it to pass, like a bad flu. when I was a teenager, I felt like this mostly all the time. I'm still grateful that I survived it, because it felt so crushingly eternal when I was in it. I hadn't yet been in the world long enough to know that all pain is ultimately temporal, given world enough and time. adolescence is such a living hell anyway. especially for the sensitive, self-aware types. I think the punk scene saved my life. it didn't make me any happier, but at least I had a community of people who saw how fucked up it all was. a family to watch my back. a pit to thrash around in when it all got to be too much, music as angry as the firestorms inside. and it's all so long ago now. when I tell people I was on the punk scene at the end of the 80's and beginning of the 90's, it's like some rarified piece of history. bad religion, black flag, fugazi, naked raygun, gbh, tsol... I can say those names to some people, and they know the times I mean, they know that world. I'll write about it all someday, I really will. and now I'm here, in california, living my healthy and happy adult life. and depression still creeps up on me once in a time, but rarely without reason, and rarely for too long. just this week, it's been hard. and I know it's just overwhelm, a natural response to all of the everything. the broken down car, the lack of money, the boy drama. fear of the unknown-- what's wrong with my car, how much I'll need to fix it, how to make money to fix it without having a car, whether I'll be able to go home for christmas if I'm paying for car repairs. I need financial ground under my feet. I've known this for some time. I need enough of a cushion that something like this doesn't become a crisis that stops my life in its tracks. that the delay of a paycheck doesn't make me wonder if I'm going to be able to feed myself. but just at the moment, it feels like I'm going backwards, not forwards. I've been cruising in such an easy feeling cycle for a while now, and suddenly it's all just been sucked into a big black hole of fear and uncertainty. and so. I've mostly been in my pajamas the last few days. mostly been crawling back into bed more than I feel good about. mostly feeling washed out and sore, and wanting to be held. it's just a time like that. and I know that it'll pass.
(((rings))) |