the old-school guestbook archives
my amazon wish list... my favorite astrologer... my favorite artist... yerba mate revolution! erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys... no more war: MoveOn.org United for Peace and Justice True Majority seek the truth: Common Dreams Unamerican Activities The Nation people I adore, diaries I read: rev.raikes ariana cubiclegirl epiphany glitter333 laurakay wammo the music: the asylum street spankers backyard tire fire blue highway bill camplin wendy colonna freedom tribe joules graves guy forsyth band hamsa lila hanuman libby kirkpatrick leftover salmon pamela means medeski martin & wood the motet the nice outfit nickel creek open road rose polenzani railroad earth south austin jug band string cheese incident taarka tha musemeant the devil makes three tim o'brien band trolley wild sage keller williams yonder mountain string band |
dancing my demons away ~ march 20, 2001 - 3:07 p.m. I'm feeling drained, but really good. I just came off a major writing binge. I sat in my car in the boulder creek library parking lot and poured out an eight page poem about the group home I used to work at. I'll probably post it here when I've worked it a bit more... maybe it'll be less than eight pages by then. but that was a huge experience that deserves a huge poem. it's taken me nearly a year to be able to write it. it'll never be slam length. yesterday was really hard. it was the first quiet day I've had since Big Hard Things went down with my loverwoman and I'm still untangling the huge ball of knotted emotions sitting in my chest. being quiet with it yesterday made me realize how vast my feelings about it really are. I'm learning a lot, but it also makes me want to scream sometimes. last night I went to dance jam, which was a beautiful thing, and I can't help wondering why it took me three and a half years to get there. I seriously remember suggesting to clare that we check it out right after we moved here, but somehow it never happened. I went and I loved it and I worked hard at letting go of everything, throwing myself into it and dancing my demons away. I'm not sure if I was successful, although I danced the skin off my feet for the third time this week... first at a farmer's market drum circle, then at the sam bush show saturday night which a stranger angel on the street handed me a ticket to (fantastic show, the mandolin is rapidly becoming one of my favorite instruments), and then at dance jam, which is just an open space for people to dance and explore movement however they choose, with a whole mix of music. people I love were there, dancing out their own demons, and I met some new beautiful people afterwards, sharing love and music in the parking lot. it was a good reminder that there is so much beauty in the tribe I call family, and that they welcome me and my gifts and my strangenesses with open arms. they understand the world through my eyes and I understand it through theirs and together we call it beatiful and revel in the joyful space we are capable of sharing when we reach out in love and care for each other. they understand me. she leaves it out there, scrawled across the universe for everyone to see, the ugliest depiction of me. I can't help wanting her to care for my feelings even while she has her hands full caring for her own. I can't help wanting her to call me up and tell me she understands. I can't help feeling poisoned and seared by the words she leaves burning and festering on the screen, tearing at me every day I see they're still there. I know she loves me, and I know I have family that will understand when she can't. maybe that's enough.
(((rings))) |