the old-school guestbook archives
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the sickness that drives you ~ November 22, 2003 - 12:22 p.m. writing has been a challenge lately. a lot of things have. it's really not so bad as all that, it's just that I have a lot going on. the dark part of the year is setting in for real, and I'm once again wondering if I'm insane to be spending it somewhere as depressing as milwaukee, but for the most part it feels like I'm coping pretty well. spiritual warrior mama. I'm doing what I can. work is swallowing a lot of my energy lately. it's good that I'm working a lot-- it's good for me on a whole lot of levels, but it's also difficult because there's a lot of health-and-well-being stuff I don't seem to have the time or energy for. that'll change soon, I hope. at least in terms of energy. I've been having some trouble with insomnia. which is really hard when you work a lot. I get maybe four hours sleep, work both the lunch and dinner shifts, and by the end of that I'm totally wrecked. come home, fall asleep in the recliner in the living room-- and wake up a couple of hours later. wide awake. and the whole cycle starts again. it's weird. insomnia was a big bad for me in high school and my early twenties, but it's been years since I've had it like this. I'm wondering if it's just the milwaukee vibe-- that and the fact that my parents have me installed in my old bedroom. which is, just for the record, the darkest room in the house. they've totally redone it, so it looks very different, but a whole lot of ghosts live there still. so that's the main thing right now. I need to be getting to sleep at night. so that I can do this crazy work thing without breaking myself on it. because the work, in general, is good. it's funny. I admit to moments of self-consciousness about the fact that I'm back to being a waitress, after the high-flying life I've been living. but I'm over that. I've realized that for whatever odd reasons, waiting tables is just about exactly the right thing for the here and now. it even feels just right that I'm back at edwardo's, the first place I worked for three years when I was a teenager. and again for six months when I was in my twenties. and again, now, at the age of thirty. where I'm in some kind of trippy making-peace-with-the-past kind of a space. there's something deeply comfortable about that place. very little has changed there since I was 17. and the fact is, I just remembered-- I'm a damn good waitress. I've got an excellent memory, I can organize large amounts of information in my head, and I know all the little tricks and details. really good waitressing is all in the details. like remembering what everyone is drinking and keeping their cups filled. bringing a stack of extra napkins for the mother of a toddler. two of my customers asked me to recommend a german restaurant, which told me they were from out of town, so I brought plates, plasticware and napkins in a bag with their leftovers box. that way they'd have everything they needed when they busted out the leftovers back at the hotel. being a good waitress is in noticing and anticipating-- taking care of the customers' needs before they realize they have them. a good meal should feel effortless for the guest. and there's something entertaining for me in having these skills, in doing this thing well. we got slammed the other day at lunch, and I was on it. everything just clicked along, and I was setting the world on fire. two of my ladies smiled and gave me an 8 dollar tip on a twelve dollar check-- "you deserve it," they said, and there was something in that for me. doing my job so well that even the customers noticed. another good thing about the job is money, and the having of it. the fact that it comes in all the time. financial self-sufficiency is a goal of mine at the moment, and this helps trememdously. I would ultimately like to have a source of income that does not require a "job" per se (like my writing)-- but this will do, for now. to be able to buy things, pay for things, pay people back for monies owed. this matters to me at the moment. I'm liking not having to depend on anyone's kindness, grateful as I am for the angels who have carried me through the lean parts of the journey. and things like this: I found an amazing deal on travelzoo, and I jumped on it-- ireland for $99 each way from chicago!!!!! can you believe that? I can't fly to california for that. even with taxes and everything, the ticket still came to only $271. I'm flying out on my birthday and staying for five days. last year I flew to bangkok on my birthday. this is feeling like a good pattern. I should make it my new birthday tradition. to go somewhere amazing. I think I'm going to rent a car in dublin and take a long and leisurely drive up to the north, where brendan lives in derry. he's psyched to see me, and I can't wait. I haven't been back to ireland since I lived there briefly, almost ten years ago. it'll be cold and rainy, but still warmer than this place in january. I think it'll be a nice way to break up my winter. and that's another reason why being a waitress is a good thing-- they let me take off when I need to. those "real" jobs with a week or two of vacation time a year just don't work so well for me. unless the job itself is traveling. I do wonder about this compulsion of mine. it feels almost like a sickness, at times. I guess you could do worse than a sickness that drives you to see the world.
(((rings))) |