the old-school guestbook archives
my amazon wish list... my favorite astrologer... my favorite artist... yerba mate revolution! erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys... no more war: MoveOn.org United for Peace and Justice True Majority seek the truth: Common Dreams Unamerican Activities The Nation people I adore, diaries I read: rev.raikes ariana cubiclegirl epiphany glitter333 laurakay wammo the music: the asylum street spankers backyard tire fire blue highway bill camplin wendy colonna freedom tribe joules graves guy forsyth band hamsa lila hanuman libby kirkpatrick leftover salmon pamela means medeski martin & wood the motet the nice outfit nickel creek open road rose polenzani railroad earth south austin jug band string cheese incident taarka tha musemeant the devil makes three tim o'brien band trolley wild sage keller williams yonder mountain string band |
green roads ~ January 30, 2004 - 10:18 p.m. so I'm in ireland... can you believe that?? I'm still trying to. it's brilliant. it's lovely. it's cool and rainy and green and oh, how I needed this. I celebrated my birthday with a dinner out with my family, and I had a *really* nice surprise from my mom-- it turns out I never got paid for some work I did for her organization last year, so she had a check for four hundred dollars for me. so I've been able to take it easy this trip, live in the lap of luxury for a few days. I had decided that a rental car would be too expensive, and plus all the online booking agencies refused to take debit cards, and since I don't have a major credit card, I thought I'd be out of luck. but since I had this little windfall of cash, I decided to stop by the counter at the airport anyway-- and ten minutes later I drove off in a gold peugeot. can you believe that? brilliant. it seemed like a good sign, since I was so attached to ch'i, my old silver peugeot. of course, this one's very modern and flash, with a cd player no less. of course, having the steering wheel on the right takes a little getting used to, as does driving on the left and working a stick shift with your left hand, but it's not hard for me. and I'm just loving having a car. can't beat the freedom and mobility, especially in a country where so much is tucked away. nice to be able to turn down whatever road takes your fancy. speaking of which, I'm having a bit of a struggle with myself at the moment. I'm in galway, the funky little town (they call it a city) where I lived when I was 22. and I love it here. I wandered around last night, checking out what's the same and what's changed (more cell phone shops, for sure)... and I was remembering how much fun I had living here. how I always wanted to come back, but never did before now. and before I left milwaukee, I was starting to get scared. I was so closed, so cold and hard and sad. when I looked in the mirror, my eyes were tired and my face worn in the lines that speak of deep suffering. and now I'm here. and I'm feeling my ribcage opening, my shoulder muscles unclenching, my face relaxing into its natural state of laughter. and I'm wanting to stay. but I feel that I should go home. and I'd miss my house, my roommates, my family, my crush. but my brain is also plotting, creating strategies that would make it okay for me to stay here, without leaving my housemates in the lurch. I just walked into a place that had a sign advertising for waitstaff and asked if they'd consider hiring a foreigner. sure, they told me. drop a cv. said they could e-mail me before I leave the country if they're interested. and I saw another job in the paper, a one-year post working with teenagers and their families. the kind of thing I really like to do. so it's really just a pipe dream, but there's definitely a part of me that's sitting with it. that's exploring the possibilities. but I do know that chances are extremely good that I'm getting on a plane on monday and flying back to milwaukee. but it's also true that I'm starting to wonder if its necessary for me to suffer the way I do in milwaukee. if going back there really had the point I thought it did. because feeling *good* again is feeling like a miracle. sometimes you don't even know how much pain you're in until it stops. I still don't know why milwaukee hurts me the way it does. and it's strange to be thinking of running when I've been developing such a new relationship with the place. but it's true, I've been in a state of pretty deep misery, and right now my determination to stick it out there is teetering in balance with my desire to spend an extended stretch here, in a country filled with magic and beauty. we'll see.
(((rings))) |