the old-school guestbook archives
my amazon wish list... my favorite astrologer... my favorite artist... yerba mate revolution! erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys... no more war: MoveOn.org United for Peace and Justice True Majority seek the truth: Common Dreams Unamerican Activities The Nation people I adore, diaries I read: rev.raikes ariana cubiclegirl epiphany glitter333 laurakay wammo the music: the asylum street spankers backyard tire fire blue highway bill camplin wendy colonna freedom tribe joules graves guy forsyth band hamsa lila hanuman libby kirkpatrick leftover salmon pamela means medeski martin & wood the motet the nice outfit nickel creek open road rose polenzani railroad earth south austin jug band string cheese incident taarka tha musemeant the devil makes three tim o'brien band trolley wild sage keller williams yonder mountain string band |
jiggety jig ~ July 27, 2003 - 9:22 p.m. incredible how fast things change sometimes. I'm going home. what it came down to, is that it's just the right thing to do for my health and well-being. I need to get to a place where I can rest and heal. and figure out what the hell is wrong with me. everyone kept telling me that this was normal, that my body was just adjusting, but the thing is I'm not getting any better. no matter what I do. and so far no one here's been able to give me any answers. I've been unwell to some degree or another for something like four months now. and just lately, I'm starting to notice things. like how much weight I've lost. I'm enough a product of my culture that I'm covertly pleased by this, but it's just not normal for me. my weight is ordinarily very stable. and these flashes of nausea I've been having lately. granted, I'm taking some meds right now, but the nausea doesn't coincide with taking them, so that wouldn't seem to be the cause. and then there's the fact that I almost threw up and passed out after the aerobics class catherine and I went to last week. and yes, it's a really hardcore class (and really fun-- held in a pavilion right on the mekong at sunset, with about 60 lao women boppin' around)-- but I've never quite had a reaction like that after exercise before. so it's time. and you know, it's funny-- I've been dreaming about western things. little things. like that hot shower. and the other night I dreamed about putting clothes in a washing machine, pouring in the detergent, turning the dial and pushing the button to start the dryer. but it's still hard as hell to be leaving. I made the decision sitting in front of a computer at the internet cafe yesterday, tears streaming down my face as I read this really nice note my dad sent me. my dad, who in general doesn't send e-mails, unless it's a brief thank-you for an e-card. Your freedom to go all the places you've gone, literally and figuratively, is the envy of everyone, he wrote. Come home and build up some strength so you can continue your journey. it made me cry. and at the same time, I got an e-mail from heather saying yes, come to vermont, stay with us, build a cabin on our 12 acres and let's build a little community... and the balance just tipped, you know? and when the decision was made, I felt that strange peace you feel when you know you've arrived at the right place. and then I cried on and off for the rest of the day. I told the sweet lady who runs this internet shop that I'm going home, and we talked for a bit, in lao. she sat me down in her shop next door and then ran into the back and came out with a beautiful sin for me as a farewell gift. the lao skirts I've fallen in love with. that she's noticed that I like to wear. and it was just the kind I've been looking for. it sort of felt like lao was sending me off with love and blessings. and then I went home and started bawling as soon as I walked into my house. my. house. my cat. my life here, that I'm just going to walk away from. but you know, I'm the woman who leaves for a living. it's what I do. it's never easy. and it's always worth it in the end. and there's so much good to come home to. that's what I'm trying to focus on. I still get wobbly sometimes, though. as I tell each of the people in my life here, I'm going home. koy pie ban. I'm already feeling the momentum building, though-- that rush of air as everything moves faster and faster, stretching tight until it snaps you into the next piece of your life. anything-can-happen time.
(((rings))) |