the old-school guestbook archives
my amazon wish list... my favorite astrologer... my favorite artist... yerba mate revolution! erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys... no more war: MoveOn.org United for Peace and Justice True Majority seek the truth: Common Dreams Unamerican Activities The Nation people I adore, diaries I read: rev.raikes ariana cubiclegirl epiphany glitter333 laurakay wammo the music: the asylum street spankers backyard tire fire blue highway bill camplin wendy colonna freedom tribe joules graves guy forsyth band hamsa lila hanuman libby kirkpatrick leftover salmon pamela means medeski martin & wood the motet the nice outfit nickel creek open road rose polenzani railroad earth south austin jug band string cheese incident taarka tha musemeant the devil makes three tim o'brien band trolley wild sage keller williams yonder mountain string band |
yet another meltdown ~ July 31, 2002 - 9:49 p.m. today I had something like a meltdown. there's just too many pieces of my life to hold together. some of them are bound to fall on the floor. I woke up in time for breakfast, and then remembered that I was supposed to work in the kitchen this morning, making breakfast. and then I was supposed to work in the garden, but instead I went back to my room and crawled into my bed and didn't move until mid-afternoon. when I was supposed to be digging ditches for sukhdev to make up for the work shift I bailed on on monday. so I dragged myself out of the house and to the community building to get something to eat. had a snack, made some coffee. ran into dawn and sukhdev, and wound up just exploding all over them emotionally, babbling about how much I had to do and what a basket case I felt like. and then they left, and I curled up in a corner of the dining room and cried. it's not just the physical, practical things. it's the emotional stuff too. the reverberations from the constant crises of the last few weeks-- gun-threatening psychopath ex, motorcycle accident, weekend with the christians, and the whole thing of leaving mount madonna. and I know I'm feeling the leaving thing more deeply than I'm even conscious of. it's been such a haven. even while I'm glad for some new adventures, it's hard to leave this home of mine behind. so after my meltdown, I forced myself up to the worksite with a shovel, and got some dirt moved around. didn't get as much done as I needed to, but I'll have time to finish tomorrow morning. so that felt a little better. to have gotten something done, at least. got my blood moving a little bit, too. nothing like physical labor to move some energy around. and then dinner. and realizing that it's dessert night. and then nina, dawn's nine-year-old daughter, attached herself to me and became my angel for the evening. she and I were goofing around in the dining room, and I told her I was going down to work in the garden after dinner, and she decided to come with. so we went down to the garden, and I ran into devaki and got the chance to apologize for ditching on my morning shift, and then nina and I got to work preparing a bed for planting squash. and that girl can work. we were hauling wheelbarrows full of weeds, and raking and digging, and she stayed right there with me, feeding me young and happy energy. we got done with the squash bed just before dark, and then headed back to the log building and busted out the national parks monopoly game that my mom gave me for my birthday. it was the first time I've played it, and we had a good time. I won when nina landed on my yosemite with four tents on it. I came out of it feeling much better than when I went in. and now I'm here in the computer room, and still have some energy to get things done before bed. and I got a message from clare today, saying it's great that I'm coming up. I'm going to call her tomorrow to work out the details. bit by bit, it'll all come together. somehow, it always does. I just hate this part. thank god for all the angels in my life.
(((rings))) |