the old-school guestbook archives
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peace in the strangest places ~ January 14, 2004 - 3:43 a.m. well, I guess I'm not the only one. the handful of folks who's diaries I keep up with at least some of the time haven't updated much lately, either. things have been quiet. peaceful, even. I'm feeling oddly serene about living in milwaukee. maybe because of my new house, for one thing. I love it, really, truly. my room is delighting me. it's still got a ways to go, but oh yes I'm diggin' it. things feel much quieter here, too. it's only a half mile from my folks' house, but their house is right across the street from the university, on a road with cars streaming past all day long. that's a lot of energy rushing by. of all flavors. so this place is feeling much quieter, sweeter. a good place to nest. a room of my own with a door that shuts. (oh yes, did I forget to mention I'd been sleeping in a room without a door for four months? not that I'm complaining... but it doesn't let you ever really believe that you're home.) I'm feeling a little more productive. a little more all the time. I'm still exhausted most of the time, but some things have begun to feel eminently possible. I still measure my accomplishments in baby steps-- room cleaned, dishes washed, laundry done, etc.-- but still, they're accomplishments. and today I finally checked off something huge on my list-- I went down to BESTD and got an hiv test. which, amazingly, they were able to give me the results of in about twenty minutes. technology is a wonderful thing. negative, baby. oh yeah. lookin' for hiv? sorry, ain't got none 'round here. such a relief, to have ruled out that whatiffy chunk of scariness. and soon-- guess what?! I'll have health insurance!! isn't that amazing? I feel like I've won the lottery or something. turns out there are benefits to working for a corporate chain restaurant after all. so, I don't know. it's real cold, and things are still many flavors of hard. but. I'm feeling something about this place. this milwaukee place. some kind of a something I've never really felt before. I'm remembering what there is to love. I'm touching my own history, walking down its streets and feeling its textures and it's all too wildly familiar and strange to understand all at once. so much of my history lives here. I've spent the last six years in the land that has no past, where everyone is from somewhere else. here, eveything I walked away from is close enough to touch. my history lives here, my roots, everything I hated about life as a child, everything I loved. I am more connected to this place then I have ever let myself believe. things have changed, and things have stayed the same. and me, too-- changed and same. somewhere inside me, milwaukee and I are making peace. calling a truce. finding the places where we meet and celebrating them. of course, I'm leaving again, in the end. but for now? I'm staying put. making this a place to rest, and calling it good.
(((rings))) |