the old-school guestbook archives
my amazon wish list... my favorite astrologer... my favorite artist... yerba mate revolution! erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys... no more war: MoveOn.org United for Peace and Justice True Majority seek the truth: Common Dreams Unamerican Activities The Nation people I adore, diaries I read: rev.raikes ariana cubiclegirl epiphany glitter333 laurakay wammo the music: the asylum street spankers backyard tire fire blue highway bill camplin wendy colonna freedom tribe joules graves guy forsyth band hamsa lila hanuman libby kirkpatrick leftover salmon pamela means medeski martin & wood the motet the nice outfit nickel creek open road rose polenzani railroad earth south austin jug band string cheese incident taarka tha musemeant the devil makes three tim o'brien band trolley wild sage keller williams yonder mountain string band |
making refuge ~ January 2, 2003 - 3:10 a.m. I'm feeling a little dreamy tonight... "tiny dancer" running through my head, a side effect of watching "almost famous" for the nth time on late night cable. it's one of those movies I can see again and again. the actress who plays penny lane has this incredibly expressive face that just fascinates me. and it reminds me, too, of how it feels to love a musician. I want to write about that, but I can't. not the way I want to. not tonight. tonight I am achy and emotional and filled with wild distance and cravings. much as I can't stand this town, it's a relief to have refuge from the storm. I've wrapped this house around me like a blanket, resting and healing. my thumb is still a little sore, but less stiff. the gouge on my knee is finally healing over. my shoulder seems to be more damaged than anyone led me to believe. just bruised they said, but something must be torn, because over a month after my crash I still gasp and flinch when I move my arm a certain way. still can't sleep on my right side. it is getting better, though. I think it's just going to be a long, slow heal. what's interesting is that I'm still more ambidextrous than I've ever been. some balance in my brain must have shifted, because by the time they took the cast off, some things were as easily done with my left hand as my right. that's something I'd like to hold on to. I'm dreaming tonight. I'm dreaming about faraway places and people I haven't seen in too long. I'm dreaming about laos, and about california. I'm dreaming about love, and music. I'm dreaming about the future. being here, now would be good. I just can't seem to stop my heart from leaping off in every direction. I'm wishing for a life filled with adventures and a place of refuge at the same time. this is the tension I feel inside me all the time, every day: the part of me that just wants to settle out and take root in a place that feels like peace, and the wild heart telling me always to go. really, it doesn't feel as if I have much of a choice, like the universe has given me my marching orders and they're taking me to the ends of the earth and back. would I trade it for anything? no. I asked myself that today. reminded myself that I don't have to go to laos. I could just go back to california, move back to mount madonna, settle back into cooking and cleaning and working in the garden. but there's no question. when I think about laos, all I can think of is getting there, and soon. memories of sunlight, and giggling students waving to me from the windows of the panyathip school. really, it's most of me that loves it. most of me that can't believe I actually get to live the life that I do. it's just the tired part of me that aches from time to time. the part of me that wishes I had a bed and a room to call my own somewhere in the world, and warm arms to welcome me home. I remind myself constantly that there's peace waiting for me down the road somewhere. and in the meantime, I just have to get good at carrying peace with me, at making my own refuge. I get better at it all the time.
(((rings))) |