the old-school guestbook archives
my amazon wish list... my favorite astrologer... my favorite artist... yerba mate revolution! erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys... no more war: MoveOn.org United for Peace and Justice True Majority seek the truth: Common Dreams Unamerican Activities The Nation people I adore, diaries I read: rev.raikes ariana cubiclegirl epiphany glitter333 laurakay wammo the music: the asylum street spankers backyard tire fire blue highway bill camplin wendy colonna freedom tribe joules graves guy forsyth band hamsa lila hanuman libby kirkpatrick leftover salmon pamela means medeski martin & wood the motet the nice outfit nickel creek open road rose polenzani railroad earth south austin jug band string cheese incident taarka tha musemeant the devil makes three tim o'brien band trolley wild sage keller williams yonder mountain string band |
twelve years down the road ~ June 7, 2004 - 1:32 a.m. today was june 6th, and i actually remembered for a change. it used to be such a big deal, all those years ago. i made a point of telling people: hey, today's my anniversary. i never called it a birthday, like AA people do. i'm not an AA person. i respect the program, and i know it works for a lot of people. i just went my own way, the way i tend to do. and it seems to work, because twelve years later, i still haven't had a drink. twelve years. that's so hard to believe. and once upon a time, i couldn't imagine living without it. now it's just so ordinary. i never think about drinking, because it's just irrelevant to my life. something everyone else does, that i don't, like not shaving my legs. i did try an experiment, of sorts, my last night in laos. and it was a revelation. i went out with some friends, one of those last-night-in-the-country blowouts. and we wound up at an expat bar called khop chai deu, which roughly translates to "thank you!" i was sitting at a table with two friends from england, one from new zealand, and one lao, and all were sloshed but me, and we were having a fabulous time. the waiter approached and set down a drink in front of me, and said "is from your friend," and pointed up to the balcony, where the lady who owned the convenience store where i always shopped was sitting with her friends. she grinned and waved, calling sok dee deu!-- good luck! because she knew i was leaving. i waved and grinned, raised my drink to her. i asked wayne, my english friend, what it was, and he said it was a "lao-gria"-- a mixture of lao-lao (rice whiskey) and fresh fruit juice. i smelled it, and it smelled lovely, so i took just a baby sip, to get the taste. it was delicious. after that, each time my friends raised their glasses in a "cheers", i took another baby sip. just wetting my lips. just being a part of things. just to see. i stopped sipping the moment i felt anything-- a tiny tingling in my extremities. i'd drunk roughly a centimetre of my lao-gria. i put it down and never picked it back up again. but it was maybe fifteen minutes after that that i realized how happy i was, how wonderful everything felt, how great the people were i was with and what a glorious time we were having. and then it hit me-- it's the alcohol. it had been so many years since i'd had a drink that i didn't even remember what it was like. i'd completely forgotten about the euphoria. and that's what i was feeling, utter euphoria. of course, i thought, this is what i got hooked on! that's what i was addicted to-- the sense of being warm and well and protected and happy-- that feeling of life being utterly wonderful. and of course, i've experienced that in so many other ways, but alcohol was a quick-and-dirty shortcut. and as i remembered the euphoria, i also remembered how it inevitably led to the crash, the sickness, the darkness, the blackouts. the euphoria never lasted. there was never enough alcohol to make me happy. feeling it again, after all those years, there was no denying that my body, chemically, loves alcohol. that tiny centimeter of alcohol-infused juice turned into a straight shot of dopamine right to my brain. instant happy. no wonder. no wonder i drank, in a world that felt so dark and hard and hopeless. i will never run out of gratitude for finding my way to the real happiness, the true light, the life i could have without alcohol. i set down that drink and never picked it up again. blessed my friends and hugged them goodbye. got on my motorbike for one last night ride home, to my last night in my little house on the mekong. at home, my stomach suddenly began to roil, and i crouched over my asian toilet and threw up that centimetre of drink, my body knowing, at last, the poison for what it was. i'm glad to have had that experience, glad to have checked in with my body and soul, because i know now, to the core, what i've always really known: i'll never be able to drink. not ever. the highs are too high, and the lows are too low. there will never be any middle ground for me, with alcohol. i put down that drink, and i never picked it up again. and i don't miss it, not at all.
(((rings))) |