the old-school guestbook archives
my amazon wish list... my favorite astrologer... my favorite artist... yerba mate revolution! erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys... no more war: MoveOn.org United for Peace and Justice True Majority seek the truth: Common Dreams Unamerican Activities The Nation people I adore, diaries I read: rev.raikes ariana cubiclegirl epiphany glitter333 laurakay wammo the music: the asylum street spankers backyard tire fire blue highway bill camplin wendy colonna freedom tribe joules graves guy forsyth band hamsa lila hanuman libby kirkpatrick leftover salmon pamela means medeski martin & wood the motet the nice outfit nickel creek open road rose polenzani railroad earth south austin jug band string cheese incident taarka tha musemeant the devil makes three tim o'brien band trolley wild sage keller williams yonder mountain string band |
falling, and flying, both ~ July 8, 2003 - 7:29 p.m. so, the experiment has come to a close. sunday night, I broke up with noy again. it's no big surprise. you don't take back someone who's screwed you over without expecting them to do it again. I'm not even surprised it took such a short time. i want you to know this waz an experiment to see how selfish i cd be if i wd really carry on to snare a possible lover if i waz capable of debasin my self for the love of another if i cd stand not being wanted when i wanted to be wanted & i cannot so with no further assistance & no guidance from you i am endin this affair this note is attached to a plant i've been waterin since the day i met you you may water it yr damn self ~ntozake shange this poem has been running through my head for at least two weeks now. I'd have left even if I hadn't caught him in yet another one of his numerous lies. the funny thing, the sad thing, is that he tells so many he can't even keep his stories straight. but even besides that, he was neglecting me. I felt unloved and unwanted. which is not how you should feel with someone you've only been with for a few weeks. I remember saying I think he only wants me because he cannot have me, and that really seems to be the case. after I left him the first time, he was sweet and attentive and revealing pieces of his heart he'd never shown me before. and then, right after I took him back, he became distant and strange, stopped coming over all the time, acted like he didn't want to be there when he did. he said he had heavy family stuff going on, but couldn't tell me what. and then there were all these other stories he told me the night we broke up. things like not being able to love me too much, because I said I wouldn't marry him. as if I'd marry a liar. he has it kind of backwards, it seems. as if you start being good to someone after they agree to marry you. *shrug* he baffles me. that's okay. I think about the tarot reading I threw, which said that I'd never really know if he loves me or not. and it's true, I never will know. I don't think he knows. I think he's one of those sad creatures who never learned what love is, what it feels like. I did love him, it's true. but I knew better than to give him my heart. and so I walk away, again. intact this time. freedom feels like this. like falling, and flying, both.
(((rings))) |