the old-school guestbook archives
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pain and healing ~ July 12, 2002 - 11:43 p.m. thanks for all the love that's been coming my way. it means a lot. I'm still in a bit of a state, and hating the fact that I am. I know that this is just part of the healing, but it bothers me that he still has the power to hurt me. it bothers me that I ever gave him that power. it bothers me that I ever let him into my life. I knew from the beginning that it wasn't right. my friends knew, too. when I go back and read my diary over the last year, I can see how my writing changed when he entered the picture. I became more closed, less joyful. and I was just thinking about this today-- how it is that I can be kind of... naive, maybe... when it comes to relationships. not that I've been in many really bad ones. and I guess that's where the naivete comes in. until now, I'd had a long string of really good relationship experiences. yes, maybe people couldn't always give me what I needed, maybe the communication wasn't always perfect-- but I knew that I could expect a certain level of common human decency. I knew that my partners did not want to hurt me, and that they'd do what they could to treat me well. I knew that they would communicate with me to the best of their ability. they all had a certain amount of sensitivity and awareness. and then with him-- I knew from the beginning that he wasn't what I was used to. but I knew that he had good qualities, and I thought we could work out the rest. I thought I could teach him things, that I could help him heal. he was a hard lesson in realizing that there are things which are beyond my capacity to help. his behavior baffled me, over and over. he didn't do things with any rationale I could recognize. except when he did. sometimes he seemed to make perfect sense. and that's what was so terrifying-- someone can seem to make perfect sense one day, and the next day become completely bizarre and irrational again. it was a long time before I let myself think the words mental illness. I wanted to believe he was getting past it. our last few conversations before he lost it again just seemed so sane. and this is where I can feel some compassion for him. he lives a very sad and ugly little life, and it will continue to be that way as long as he continues to treat people the way he treated me. he's got some of the nastiest karma hanging over him of anyone I've been involved with, and he creates more pain for himself every day. and I know that it was my own karma that drew me into his world, some need to resolve some old and dark thing. it's not surprising how similar the abuse dynamic was to the one I grew up with. there's things there I just had to learn. and I have learned a lot. continue to learn a lot, from the whole mess. I know a lot more now than I did about what I need in a relationship, and what I just can't deal with. what kinds of things are and are not negotiable. that when something feels that wrong from the beginning, you don't stick around and try to make it right. and more. and more. I feel like I'm learning from it all the time. that doesn't make him a good person, or anything he did okay. I can't even think friendly thoughts about him anymore. and that's one of the things that really makes me mad. that I was in such a peaceful place with the whole experience, that I wasn't upset about it anymore, that I'd let go of all that animosity I was carrying-- and here I am now, with another load. maybe the universe wanted to make sure I didn't talk myself out of remembering the abuse and the ugliness. so that I'll remember it the next time someone comes around who I think I can fix. I want to believe that I can heal anything. but in truth, each of us is our own healer, and if someone doesn't want to be healed, they won't. I'm focusing now on my own healing. as angry as I am that he's stirred up more pain and fear for me to deal with, I know there's a reason for it. so I'm crying, breathing, caring for myself, listening to my heart. allowing myself to feel the arms and hearts of so many beautiful people reaching out to me. thanking the universe that I live in a loving community, and that there are so many truly wonderful people in my world. thank you, all.
(((rings))) |