the old-school guestbook archives
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arati bells and incense ~ May 25, 2002 - 8:05 p.m. it's only eight o'clock, and I'm already wiped out. it's been such a good day, though. they reduce our work schedules to three hours a day during the retreat, so that everyone can participate-- but there's so much happening that I'm just exhausted by the end of the day. today felt like a breakthrough day, on so many levels. I feel like I'm just letting go of everything. we did a great series of asanas this morning, called "the forgivenness series", where you offer up your negative qualities to the divine. that just nearly floored me, so much was moving through me. I've been acutely aware of my negative qualities lately. I think that's another one of those things that came out of my last relationship. it's hard when a relationship makes you realize that your not as good of a person as you thought you were. don't get me wrong-- I do think that I'm a good person. just not nearly so far along as I thought I was. sad to realize that my heart is still capable of becoming hard and narrow when I'm in pain. that I'm still capable of holding on to pain, to anger, to blame. but I'm moving through it. letting go. forgiving myself for my shortcomings. forgiving others for theirs. we're all in this together. then this afternoon, manjala asked me if I wanted to participate in the arati ritual. arati is something we do every morning and evening during the retreat. it's a very beautiful ritual, performed at an altar on the stage of the main room of the community building. candles, incense, flowers, and various other things are offered to the deities, songs are sung in sanskrit, bells are rung. it's really pretty gorgeous. and during arati this morning, I was thinking about how beautiful it was, and wondering how you got chosen to be one of the people making the offering. and then this afternoon, someone couldn't make it, and manjala asked if I would make one of the flower offerings. and it was such a beautiful experience. they dressed me in a white sari. I've always wanted to wear a sari. a gold and purple bindi on my forehead. I was nervous, but it was just so, so lovely. and before that, there was afternoon asana class, and livio worked us, and it was fantastic. I was doing things I've never been able to do before. my forehead smacked into my knees doing forward bends, and I almost laughed out loud. amazing what a difference letting go can make. kind of a non-linear narrative of my day... but really, I've just been feeling so good. of course, right now I'm wiped out, and I still need to finish the article on the physiology of nicotine addiction. and my glands are swollen, I've got a bit of a sore throat. I think it's everything I'm releasing right now, moving through me. I'm trying to decide if I can get away with taking a nap before I buckle down and write this web page. 'cause right now I'm just not there. we'll see. sooner or later, somehow it will get done. just got to work it in around all of this growth and change. so yeah. a good day.
(((rings))) |