the old-school guestbook archives
my amazon wish list... my favorite astrologer... my favorite artist... yerba mate revolution! erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys... no more war: MoveOn.org United for Peace and Justice True Majority seek the truth: Common Dreams Unamerican Activities The Nation people I adore, diaries I read: rev.raikes ariana cubiclegirl epiphany glitter333 laurakay wammo the music: the asylum street spankers backyard tire fire blue highway bill camplin wendy colonna freedom tribe joules graves guy forsyth band hamsa lila hanuman libby kirkpatrick leftover salmon pamela means medeski martin & wood the motet the nice outfit nickel creek open road rose polenzani railroad earth south austin jug band string cheese incident taarka tha musemeant the devil makes three tim o'brien band trolley wild sage keller williams yonder mountain string band |
at least ~ May 16, 2007 - 12:22 a.m. night times have been strange for me lately. challenging. it becomes impossible for me to hide from the painful things moving through my heart right now. even my distractions don't comfort, though I try, curling in close to movies, books, games, sweets. and there are things I need to be doing, tasks I need to accomplish both to maintain my life and to move forward into the place I wish to be. the place which is not this place, this painful purgatory of up-against-my-stuckness. at night, time runs short for accomplishments and I curl in tight around my unwillingness to buckle down and do. I can't even explain, why these things are so hard for me. things I know to be simple. things other people accomplish with ease. can't explain either, why my heart is hurting so hard. it's not him, and I finally have to admit that to myself. it was easy to focus on him when we were going through such deep and painful challenges. but we're in a good place right now, reconnecting deeply and sweetly after a time of distancing that tweaked all of my abandonment fears. and here I am, knowing I'm loved and that things are good between us, and yet aching in my heart. and yet feeling all alone, sitting in my room at midnight and avoiding all I have not done today. but there are things I have done, as well. I made phone calls, got extensions on speeding tickets I can't yet pay, paid off one of the important debts which I could. I fed my cat. I called back a friend who called me. I sent my sister a day-late ecard for her birthday. I washed my dishes every time I ate. I made a list of things to do. I wrote in my diary. I imagine it's time I focused more on what I'm doing than what I'm not. maybe that will help, with what's going on in my heart. because when I tune into what this pain is about, at least some of it seems to be wrapped up in the way I seem to struggle with this :life: business lately. and why is it all so hard right now, in any case? I've been so much more functional at other points in my life than how I am right now. where even the smallest things are accomplishments worthy of celebration. I've been in worse places too, though. I really have. and at least I'm getting it together, even if it's not happening as quickly as I'd like. even if I'm not as functional as I'd like to be just yet. even if I feel I deal so poorly with the painful tearing ache in my heart. but there's this, too: I stopped smoking pot months ago, put it down to clear my head and found myself with no desire to pick it up again. and so I'm doing this without anesthesia. which is as it should be. which makes even the sharp edges a bit breathtaking in their clarity. at least I'm here. at least I'm moving forward, even if it feels like nanomovements at times. and even if at night, it all comes rushing in. at least I'm here.
(((rings))) |