the old-school guestbook archives
my amazon wish list... my favorite astrologer... my favorite artist... yerba mate revolution! erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys... no more war: MoveOn.org United for Peace and Justice True Majority seek the truth: Common Dreams Unamerican Activities The Nation people I adore, diaries I read: rev.raikes ariana cubiclegirl epiphany glitter333 laurakay wammo the music: the asylum street spankers backyard tire fire blue highway bill camplin wendy colonna freedom tribe joules graves guy forsyth band hamsa lila hanuman libby kirkpatrick leftover salmon pamela means medeski martin & wood the motet the nice outfit nickel creek open road rose polenzani railroad earth south austin jug band string cheese incident taarka tha musemeant the devil makes three tim o'brien band trolley wild sage keller williams yonder mountain string band |
wanting ~ May 8, 2007 - 5:16 p.m. ironic, that. that right when I start to feel inspired to write in my diary again, diaryland should have a technical problem that goes on for days. but here it is again, available to me, and I'm trying to figure out just what I want to do with it. I don't want to be writing, but I do. I don't want to because I'm depressed, and I hate writing about depression. but at the same time, I'm all boxed into myself right now, and it feels like writing about it, out here in the world, may be a good thing for me to do. and maybe it can help me make sense of my heart. I don't even really understand this depression. it's not like anything's really all that bad. there's things, of course. I'm dissatisfied with my work life. I'm still a bit overwhelmed by the money stuff I'm very slowly resolving. my relationship is feeling a bit unsteady on its feet. but no real tragedies. nothing that can really explain why I'm feeling this bad. because today I've been more or less completely dysfunctional. not wanting to do anything at all. not even able to find comfort in distractions. just, hurting and confused as to why. there's so much going on in my heart, and I don't know how to make sense of it all. all I know is that it hurts. and yes, it must be in part about him, and us, and what's going on. but I don't know how much of it. and I don't know if I'm even ready to write about it. about the shakiness I feel around my relationship right now, right when shaky is the last thing I want to feel in my love life. about the mercurial nature of his heart in this time, his uncertainty which eats at me. he told me not to fall in love with him. told me a long time ago, and several times over. and I've always known he's not in this the same way I am. but and yet, there was just no way for me to not open to him, to this love, to this journey. no way for me to love this deep and true without falling in. but the love hasn't gone, and this I know. we are both still here, and loving each other, even as the mercurial winds blow through his heart and mind, stirring confusion in us both. making me ache, for something I've never felt the right to ask for. which I know I can't have. not with him, and not with her, these deepsweet lovers of mine who have never craved the depth of connectedness with me that I've craved with them. and this is what leaves me feeling so very, very alone. even with so much love in my life. I want one person, one deep and special being to want me in the same way I want them. I want an equal. I want a partner. I want true love and the building of a life shared with another. I want, I want, I want.
(((rings))) |