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warning: this one's not fit to print ~ May 19, 2003 - 10:08 p.m. last night was awful. and I want to write about it, and I don't. and I did write about it, sitting in saignam and waiting for my dinner, I scribbled it all down. the question is, do I post it online? I want to, and I don't. I do, of course, keep a paper journal, for all the stuff that's not fit to print. but I'm wrapped up in so much shame, and weirdness, and just hard scary feelings about last night that part of me thinks I should get it out. and it is, after all, practically a universal experience. not everyone, but a whole lot of us can relate. it's just been a long time. a long time since I've made this particular mistake. okay, here it is: I wanted to feel loved, and I wound up feeling fucked instead. the world's oldest story, one I've known since I was 15 years old. how can I tell you? it's hard, because it's just all so embarrassing. I wrote a long e-mail to russell yesterday, and one of the tangents I went off on was all of these high-flown ideas about love and lonliness and how much strength it takes to sit with your feelings instead of just reaching for something to make you feel less alone. and then I reached anyway. and I want to blame it on that damn horoscope: The mood you're in today is the stuff of which memorable encounters are made, dear Aquarius. At first, you'll be wary, and perhaps even somewhat hostile to someone who dares to intrude on your freedom. Then suddenly you'll realize that this person is someone special, intriguing, and definitely out of the ordinary. Finally, you'll realize that the qualities they offer just happen to be those you need most right now. but of course, it's ridiculous to blame anything on a horoscope. or on anything or anyone but yourself. you are, after all, the one behind the wheel. you drove there all by yourself. so. it began with a phone call. or maybe it began with running into him, on the street, the one I've been just so attracted to. and he gave me his number yesterday, but I couldn't remember mine. so I saw him, and remembered it, and gave it to him. got home fifteen minutes later. I was downstairs, brushing my teeth, when the phone rang. couldn't find the right key, couldn't get the upstairs door open in time, even though he let it ring for a long time. so I finished brushing my teeth. contemplated whether or not to call him back. because I knew it was him. and of course, in the end, I did. because I've been enjoying having someone to flirt with. someone who makes me feel tingly and so much more. so I called him back, and we talked, and he asked if he could come over. I said no. again and again I said no. not tonight, I said. I'm tired, and I have to get up for work early, and I don't know you all that well yet, and don't you have a girlfriend, anyway? and he assured me that the girlfriend was out of the way, that it was over with. but I still said no. again and again. and we talked, and laughed some more. he makes me laugh a lot. how can I change your heart? he kept asking. and I kept telling him you cannot. not tonight. and finally, we left it at that. said goodnight and hung up the phone. and then I realized the state my body was in. just from talking to him. and I was lying in my bed, and I was thinking about that damn horoscope... and suddenly, the thought came: well, why the hell not? I knew I would give in sooner or later: why not sooner? why the hell not? some company tonight, some fun, who cares if it's not deep and meaningful. why not just go for it for a change. and so I cleaned my house up a bit, bathed myself. and the whole time I was talking to myself. I was saying you're crazy, you know. what are you doing? this is such a Bad Idea... but I was also excited. to be making this leap. to be doing something just a little crazy. and so I called him back. I cannot sleep, I told him. and then I asked him for a promise: will you never lie to me? yes, he said, I will never lie to you. but he didn't know where my house was, and so he asked me to meet him somewhere a couple of blocks away. and so I did. still calling myself crazy. and when I told him that my landlords live right behind me, he suggested a "guesthouse". a place he knew. I tell myself it might have been different if we hadn't gone to that place. but we did. the "guesthouse". sleazy, dirty, rent-by-the hour kinda place. there's just no way to feel good in a place like that. we were safe, of course. a saving grace. but I couldn't relax, couldn't feel good. from the the time we arrived, and the knowing leers of the guys who ran the place. I just felt like a prostitute. a cheap one. and it's not that he was bad in bed, but I just didn't feel much of anything. it went on too long, and I dried out and got sore, but I wouldn't stop it because I wanted at least one of us to come. for there to be some point to the whole awful thing. but towards the end, I was wishing and praying for him to come. such a long time since I've felt that way. finally, he did. and then there was a moment of almost-peace, almost-nice. the two of us lying together, arms around each other's waists, our foreheads leaned together. his fingertips lightly stroking back and forth the soft skin of my back. something like tenderness for a moment. and then he got up to shower, and then it was time to go. I was numb and sick and hoped I could get home before I started to cry. I followed him out of there, and pulled up next to him at the intersection near my house. he reached for my hand and said I need to kiss you, but I cannot. I know,I said. not just the rudeness of public displays of affection in an asian country, but the fact that it was actually illegal for us to do what we'd just done. that he could go to jail for fucking me. maybe I could even be deported, I don't know. more likely I'd have to pay somebody off. because it's true, there are things about this communist country that are just totally fucked up. we wished each other a good night, and he told me to call him, to be safe, and I sped the rest of the way to my house, the tears finally overtaking me as I opened the gate. I couldn't cry much, though. couldn't do much of anything but roll into bed with my stuffed lizard, take one of the valium leftover from being sick and having insomnia, and fall into unconsciousness. sleeping alone, after all. after all that. and today I woke up feeling absolutely wrecked, of course. in so much pain, and most of it not physical. I called in to work, and I even did it honestly. it's a combination of things, I told the deputy principal. my cold is worse, I didn't sleep much, and I had something of a major crisis last night. when she asked what happened, I just said that it was personal and I didn't want to talk about it. and she was so sweet, told me not to worry about it. she called me later to check up on me, and brought up my friend johanna, asked if she was someone I could talk to. everyone needs someone, she said, which brought the tears back up to my chest. I spent the day in bed. woke up at 2:30, lay around more or less until 6, when I had to go to the doctor. the appointment I made yesterday, to get my HIV results, to get tested for other STDs and get my annual pap smear. all of it normal, thank god, and of course we were safe. a saving grace. and I'm recovering, I'm feeling better, little by little. still so embarrassed. still so ashamed. but getting there. and I'm not sure if I want to cut him out of my life or not. because maybe if I get to know him, maybe if we never go to a place like that again, I could feel better about it. and then it wouldn't be so awful. but I don't know. maybe I'll talk to him tonight. if not tonight, then sooner or later. and then we'll see. my poor heart.
(((rings))) |