the old-school guestbook archives
my amazon wish list... my favorite astrologer... my favorite artist... yerba mate revolution! erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys... no more war: MoveOn.org United for Peace and Justice True Majority seek the truth: Common Dreams Unamerican Activities The Nation people I adore, diaries I read: rev.raikes ariana cubiclegirl epiphany glitter333 laurakay wammo the music: the asylum street spankers backyard tire fire blue highway bill camplin wendy colonna freedom tribe joules graves guy forsyth band hamsa lila hanuman libby kirkpatrick leftover salmon pamela means medeski martin & wood the motet the nice outfit nickel creek open road rose polenzani railroad earth south austin jug band string cheese incident taarka tha musemeant the devil makes three tim o'brien band trolley wild sage keller williams yonder mountain string band |
brutal ~ January 31, 2002 - 12:24 a.m. I tend to think that I am more brutally honest with him than I've been with anyone, ever. it amazes me that he survives it. I am, as a rule, an honest person. it's part of my spiritual path, among other things. I do occasionally lie to police officers and certain types of beaureaucrats who have more power over my life than they should. and my mom. but that's all, really. I try not to when at all possible. but in relationships, I am almost unnaturally honest. insofar as it's possible to be honest with myself. and that's something I try to be too. but with him, I find myself saying things that sound too stark and too harshly realistic to be actual words coming out of my actual mouth. the kind of things you think but don't say. usually. if you're not me. I'm amazed that he stays with me, after the things I've said. that he continues to work on making this work. that we both do. what are we doing here? he asks me. I'm holding on by a thread to something that's not working for me, I tell him, because I believe that in santa cruz, there's a possibility for change. part of me wonders if I'm daring him to leave. if I'm laying every sharp edge and hard feeling I've got at his feet and daring him to call it quits. because then I wouldn't have to do this anymore. I wouldn't have to try to make it work. when it's not. and I ask myself why I stay. just about every day I ask myself. I have these circular conversations that always lead me back to just hang on. just a little bit longer. I believe that we have to try santa cruz. that's what I'm hanging on to at the moment. I believe that in order for this relationship to have a fair chance, we need to try being someplace that doesn't suck and make us both miserable. so I hang on. and I wait for something to tell me that it's time to leave. and I don't even know why I'm doing this. it is so unlike how I usually do things. I would have been out the door months ago. except. except, for some reason, this feels important. that I stay and fight to make this work. that I help him in any way I can while he struggles to find his way out of the darkness where he's lived most of his life. that I try to bring the beautiful being that I can see inside him into the light. it feels like a spiritual task of some sort. like a geis, something I just have to do, even though it's hard and it hurts. and I am learning a whole hell of a lot. of course, maybe I'm just delusional. maybe I'm rationalizing staying in a situation that makes me miserable, falling into the age-old girl-trap of I can fix him! I don't think so. I don't believe that that's what I'm doing here. I guess I'll know for sure someday. hindsight, and all.
(((rings))) |