the old-school guestbook archives
my amazon wish list... my favorite astrologer... my favorite artist... yerba mate revolution! erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys... no more war: MoveOn.org United for Peace and Justice True Majority seek the truth: Common Dreams Unamerican Activities The Nation people I adore, diaries I read: rev.raikes ariana cubiclegirl epiphany glitter333 laurakay wammo the music: the asylum street spankers backyard tire fire blue highway bill camplin wendy colonna freedom tribe joules graves guy forsyth band hamsa lila hanuman libby kirkpatrick leftover salmon pamela means medeski martin & wood the motet the nice outfit nickel creek open road rose polenzani railroad earth south austin jug band string cheese incident taarka tha musemeant the devil makes three tim o'brien band trolley wild sage keller williams yonder mountain string band |
coming home ~ July 9, 2002 - 8:18 p.m. home again, home again. so much to write about, hope I actually get around to it this year. I've been meaning to sit down and really write about high sierra for quite some time. but my homecoming was a little bizarre, and right now I feel like I need to write about that. it was a long trip home, because it took a long time to break down the food booth and finish business with the high sierra folks. I was riding back in the ryder truck with steven, and we got such a late start home that we had to stop and get a motel room in marysville and finish the drive this morning. got back to the blue sun this afternoon, where I helped unload the truck for a while, and then strapped my gear onto the back of my bike and headed back up to mount madonna. a glorious ride. and then I got home-- and checked my e-mail. several things were waiting for me, including: --someone I adore who lives far away, writing to tell me that he's excited to see me in a month or so, --someone I used to be madly in love with writing to tell me that he just got married, --ozone writing to tell me that he never wants to hear from me again, that I need to get my stuff out of his basement, and that "he's been elected" to tell me that I'm no longer welcome at the sunday night dinner thing held at our mutual friends' house. welcome home, kels. what's so baffling and hurtful about the whole thing is that I thought ozone and I were fine. really. the last few conversations we had were better than any we've had since last fall. I was feeling like we were in a pretty peaceful space with each other. I did a lot of heavy work to let go of my animosity towards him, and I finally felt like I could be around him again without feeling crazy. I had no inkling that he was at all upset with me. I've been praying for his healing several times a day. and then. one confusing thing: a month ago, I told him I wanted to come and get my stuff out of his basement. he discouraged me, saying "but your new place is transient, isn't it?" I still knew I'd be coming to get my stuff, but I didn't feel rushed since he seemed to feel just fine about it. not to mention the fact that it was his idea that I store that stuff with him to begin with. so why on earth is he suddenly acting like it's a big problem? I'm happy to go and get it as soon as I can borrow a car. like I said, I've been wanting to go and get it. so why didn't he just ask nicely? why be mean about it? and why decide out of the blue that I should never contact him again? that's fine if it's what he wants, but to not even tell me what I've done...? he must really hate me, but I have no clue why. such a baffling position to be in. and then: I freaked out and started crying hysterically in the computer room when I read that I was being excluded from a whole circle of people who I love and enjoy spending time with. that's never happened to me before. at least, not since grade school. one of my friends came and held me in the computer room, held me and talked me down while I poured out my hurt and confusion. just a week before, keri had been telling me how happy she was that I'd stayed in the group after ozone and I broke up. I saw them all at high sierra, and everything was friendly and happy and fun. and then suddenly: "I've been elected to tell you that your presence is no longer appropriate..." what???? sniffled all the way back to my room to get my phone and call keri and find out what on earth is going on. and she told me that it was completely untrue-- there had been no group consensus, he hadn't been "elected" to tell me anything. what happened was, he'd gone to keri to tell her that his new girlfriend was uncomfortable with my presence at the sunday night thing. so she told him that he should talk to both of us and work something out. she did not tell him that he should exclude me from our group of friends. can you imagine doing something like that to someone? in the darkest hour of my hostile phase, I never even considering doing something so cold and heartless. out of the blue, and with no explanation. I've never understood him. over and over he's told me how much he's changed. over and over, he reveals himself as capable of doing the most heinous things. I'm not angry anymore, not at all. just sad and scared and wishing he could stop hurting me once and for all. wishing he'd at least tell me what I've done to cause him to hate me so. but in the end I know it doesn't really matter. he creates his own reality, and I create mine. mine is filled with joy and love. I'm happy enough to leave him with his. I just want to know why. I want *one* sane and reasonable conversation. then I'll be perfectly willing to never speak with him again.
(((rings))) |