the old-school guestbook archives
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roads, sunshine, and me in my dress ~ April 24, 2002 - 6:47 p.m. my feet are cold. and I'm wearing a dress like no dress I've ever worn before. I got it out of the freebox. the freebox here is pretty magical. you never know what you're going to find. I've already acquired several very cool things from the freebox. and this dress... it's kinda countrified. flowing-flowered-skirt-attached-to-denim-vest type of thing. like you'd buy at a department store. some department store clothing manufacturer's idea of country. but when I put it on-- I liked it. I just really did. it fits me just right. I put it on today because I was supposed to have a meeting with the startup people, and it's the kind of thing you could wear to a meeting and feel okay about. at least this kind of meeting. when I got to the guy's house (no, the startup doesn't even have office space), he came out and told me that the meeting had been cancelled, and didn't I get the e-mail? no, I didn't get the e-mail. because he didn't send it to me. he sent it to everyone but me. he's not altogether what you'd call competent. but, so, anyway... there was no meeting. and I was okay with that, except of course my bus didn't want to start up again because it likes to rest for a bit after it's been driven. so I pop-started it in reverse in startup guy's driveway. I don't think he noticed. so, since I'd arranged to have the afternoon free, I went and hung out in the coffeehouse at the bottom of the hill. then I came back up here and worked for a couple of hours, putting away chairs and tables in the conference center. and all the while I was daydreaming. feeling silly. because I was daydreaming about this boy. this boy who isn't even in the country. who, even when he is in the country, doesn't live anywhere near my part of the country. who lives with his girlfriend when he's in the country, living half a country away from my yoga center on the mountain. far, far away from the ocean I can see from here. so yes, silly. I try not to stray down those roads to often. because, really, there's no need to obsess. about anyone, but certainly not about someone who is so far away, in so very many ways. but. he's special. thoughts of him have a kind of shine to them. much like he has a kind of shine to him. and so he does. stray into my thoughts from time to time. and it fills my head with sunshine when he does. so yes. I try not to stray down those roads to often. and it occurs to me that I may be lonely. it's been a while since I was really and truly in love. but right now I really just feel so far away from all of that. healing and centering, I'm not feeling very interested in much of anyone at the moment. not in an intimate and sexual kind of way. there's this cute dyke named tina, who I have a bit of a crush on, even though she looks a little (just a little) like clare. but it's pretty low-key. I'm enjoying alone-space. not having to think about anyone else's needs. not having to negotiate anything. that's what's so exhausting about relationships. all the negotiations. I've been pretty internal lately. laughing with my friends, having a good time, but also taking a lot of space to be with myself, to be quiet. a lot of the work I do here is pretty quiet, the kind of thing where you get trained once and then you work independently. I like that kind of work. so I spend a lot of time in my head. and every once in a while, every so often, my mind strays down those sunshine-filled roads. you know.
(((rings))) |