the old-school guestbook archives
my amazon wish list... my favorite astrologer... my favorite artist... yerba mate revolution! erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys... no more war: MoveOn.org United for Peace and Justice True Majority seek the truth: Common Dreams Unamerican Activities The Nation people I adore, diaries I read: rev.raikes ariana cubiclegirl epiphany glitter333 laurakay wammo the music: the asylum street spankers backyard tire fire blue highway bill camplin wendy colonna freedom tribe joules graves guy forsyth band hamsa lila hanuman libby kirkpatrick leftover salmon pamela means medeski martin & wood the motet the nice outfit nickel creek open road rose polenzani railroad earth south austin jug band string cheese incident taarka tha musemeant the devil makes three tim o'brien band trolley wild sage keller williams yonder mountain string band |
free to be ~ February 12, 2002 - 3:50 a.m. today the world feels full of thrilling possibilities. really, it's just been this incredibly beautiful day. after the library, I went to the jahvah house for a couple of hours to work on my writing residency application. and while I was looking over the project I've been working on to figure out what to send them as a writing sample, I realized: it's really pretty good. I mean, really, I'm actually really happy with how it's turning out, even for a first draft. and then I headed over to the first session of the new tibetan buddhist course I'm taking, and on my way there, this guy walked up next to me and started talking to me. I have this thing. I can tell when I'm safe, and when people have ill intent. so when a strange man comes up and starts talking to me, as long as I feel safe, I generally respond. I stay open. so we started talking, and he was telling me about how he just decided not to stop at the bar, and he asked me if I drank, and I told him no, I had to quit. he was astonished when he found out I haven't had a single drink in almost ten years. he'd been sober once for nine months, and once for almost two years. he asked me how I did it. so I told him that part of it was just wanting it badly enough, seeing how alcohol was destroying my life, and how many good things came to me when I got sober. how I didn't want to lose all that. and I told him that a big part of it was just making that choice, over and over, and keeping the choice small enough so that I could manage it. "I'm going to choose not to drink in this moment." and knowing that even one drink would send me down the slippery slope to a place where I no longer wanted to be. something about that really struck a chord for him. he told me it was really a big help to think about it that way. he had been planning on going to the gas station and getting a beer, and he said, "you know, maybe I won't get that beer. maybe I'll just get a candy bar instead." we talked a bit more, about buddhism and this and that. he walked me to my class and then went on his way. his name was art. blessings to you, art. I hope it was some kind of a help. and that encounter reminded me again of what it is I'm doing here. that my ability to be open to people without the walls of assumptions and paranoia is one of the most powerful tools I have to effect positive change in this world. santa cruz is a place that nurtures that openness, that brings out the best qualities of myself. I feel close to my heart here, without all the interference and white noise. years ago I went through a phase where I was making a lot of collages out of things cut from magazines. in the middle of a collage one night, I found an article about santa cruz, and it caught my eye. I read the whole thing, and that's what decided me that santa cruz was a place that I needed to experience. the thing I remember most about the article is a quote which was bold-faced on one of the pages, from a guy who lived in santa cruz: "It's a place that allows you to think and see in terms of beauty." I cut that quote out and pasted it into my collage, which was about love. and the first time I lived in santa cruz, working an internship when I was in college, the winter I turned 21. I was dreaming about angels and pregnancy, teaching for the first time and learning how to surf. it was an incredibly expansive time, filled with blessings and awakening. everything was speaking to me. my last night in santa cruz before heading back to college, I hung out with these cats I'd met on the street, daniel and smiley. smiley gave me a necklace he'd made me, with a traveling rune carved into a bone bead. he asked when I was coming back, and I said I didn't know. someday, I hope, I said. you'll be back, he told me, this is home now. and it is. it is home. after my buddhism group tonight, which was exciting, which filled me with energy and drive, I went to dance jam. and talked, finally, to ever. talked about fear, about confusion, about chaos. about the importance of our friendship. about struggles, and change, and learning. we hugged each other tight. and then I danced, and danced, and danced. and during the last song, there was a group of us who came together, arms around, sharing energy and breath. just being. together. because dance jam is about dancing, yes, but it's more about the space we share, about humans connecting creatively in a safe and open environment, where we are able to reach out to each other. and be. together. and then we were sighing, and then humming, and then chanting. more and more people coming together until we were all together in the center, arms around, bodies close, feeling the energy flowing through us, sharing this space, together. making wild noises, all kinds of tones and vibrations, sharing the energy of all of our voices raised together, all of it buzzing and humming and vibrating through our bodies, connecting us to the earth and the sky and each to the other. in that moment there was nothing coming between us, no divisions, no walls. just humans. being. together. with open hearts. and it went on and on until a wild creshendo led to long deep breaths led to a giant group hug led to wild giggling and utterly joyous laughter, and one kid who'd never experienced anything like it said "holy shit!", and we all just broke up laughing. and ever and david and I collapsed in a pile on the floor, sharing sweet space and giggling at the group of kids who danced around us, singing a wild and goofy prayer for the house they were hoping to get, and feeling the beat of a drum someone was playing humming up through the floor. we were open and loving and lovely and we were all there. just being. together. I walked home with a smile on my face, that energy still tingling through every part of my body, my heart still open and filled with light. I went home and set up my altar, the first time I've really done that since I went out on the road. I was still smiling and singing when ozone came home, and we cuddled and talked and I held him with that love energy still coursing through me, and it was the best interaction we've had in months. oh yes, it's good to be home.
(((rings))) |