the old-school guestbook archives
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I am here and not there ~ April 15, 2002 - 9:42 p.m. sleepy, and with too much to say... it's been too long since I last updated. the net connection here is not terribly reliable. and I've been busy. for one thing, I hooked up with a freelancy-type writing/editing gig for an odd little internet startup in santa cruz. it's exciting to be able to make money from on top of the mountain, but some nights I am just so tired. the energy thing. still adjusting. and I spent the weekend in santa cruz, running around with a bunch of my friends. friday night we had a sushi party. ozone was there. you know what? he puts knots in my neck. remember how my neck was killing me for weeks before I got here? and how all the tension just drained away? at some point on friday night my neck was killing me again. he's just so weird. and I don't usually think that's a bad thing. but. it goes like this: I'm walking up to the house on friday night, and ozone is sitting on the porch with his friend brian, and I say "hi", and brian smiles and says "hi, how's it going?", and ozone stares at the ground and says nothing. and this isn't even unusual behavior. he does shit like that all the time. don't get me started. I've got so much negativity and anger built up towards him right now it's hard to even think about him. I just start screaming at him inside my head. and that doesn't seem good, or healthy, or karmically positive. so I find I just avoid thinking about him a lot. which is something I don't really know what to do about. because I know that, sooner or later, I'm going to need to process all this shit. going to have to learn to let go of the negativity before it poisons me. for now I'm just trying to breathe. trying not to get wrapped up in how crazy he makes me feel. and friday night he was right there in my face, and the whole thing started out with him being so creepy, there was just no way it was going to be okay. I got more and more tense as the night wore on. and as he was taking his nth hit of weed, I reminded him that he still needed to be able to get himself home. why? he wanted to know. so I told him. I needed to sleep there that night, and I needed to not be sleeping in the same house as him. and I told him he puts knots in my neck. I didn't tell him he makes me want to scream every time I think of him. he just kind of said OH. and chose not to make a scene. and still hung out for so long that I was gritting my teeth and wishing him gone. until finally he was. the rest of the weekend was a lot of fun. we went hiking at wilder ranch, all in the sunshine with the ocean and fun. and then we had more sushi and general silliness. and I decided maybe I wouldn't head back up the mountain that night after all. then on sunday, I slept late. and then me and keri spent the *whole* afternoon venting ozone stories over cups of tea. it was so good, for both of us, to be able to talk to someone else who really gets the surrealist experience of being involved with ozone. she was, after all, engaged to him once upon a time. and never really processed a lot of it. and now, seeing me going through the same things, and watching him do the same fucked up shit, it's bringing up a lot of her own unresolved stuff. so yeah, she and I have a lot to talk about. and I've got a mountain of stuff to make peace with. but it's all good. I worked in the garden today. I am here and not there.
(((rings))) |