the old-school guestbook archives
my amazon wish list... my favorite astrologer... my favorite artist... yerba mate revolution! erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys... no more war: MoveOn.org United for Peace and Justice True Majority seek the truth: Common Dreams Unamerican Activities The Nation people I adore, diaries I read: rev.raikes ariana cubiclegirl epiphany glitter333 laurakay wammo the music: the asylum street spankers backyard tire fire blue highway bill camplin wendy colonna freedom tribe joules graves guy forsyth band hamsa lila hanuman libby kirkpatrick leftover salmon pamela means medeski martin & wood the motet the nice outfit nickel creek open road rose polenzani railroad earth south austin jug band string cheese incident taarka tha musemeant the devil makes three tim o'brien band trolley wild sage keller williams yonder mountain string band |
the place of my dreams ~ march 24, 2001 - 11:53 a.m. I am learning so much that I'm not even sure how to write about it all... I'm in that in-between state where you're still processing all the information that's coming in. more and more it's feeling like it might be a good thing for me to stay in santa cruz for a time, but I'm deeply torn. there's so many people I want to see out east, beautiful friends, and some of them I haven't seen in years. and heather's having a baby. and. and. and I'm broke. and somehow I'm feeling pretty okay with that, even though it's keeping me here instead of back out on the road. I'm learning so much here and now that I'm hardly having time to think about all those other plans that I made. plans are always subject to change, especially in my life. and hell, I'm in saturn return, folks. I'm warning you I'm weightless, and the wind is always shifting-- so don't hang anything on me if you ever want to see it again...(ani) derek is showing me a side of santa cruz I never knew from the inside before, in the years I clung to the security of a steady income, as meager as that was sometimes. I am learning not to be frightened of living with no money. I've been poor before, and I've been broke, but I've always been a middle-class white girl at heart. I'm learning to let go. I'm learning how little I need. derek lives so simply that my one carfull of posessions seems like ridiculous excess. together we discovered the loaded orange trees in the city hall courtyard. now, at night, we cruise through there and fill backpacks and pockets with fresh oranges. we live on oranges and peanut butter and thick soup kitchen bean soup. last night on pacific avenue I met eitan, a wise little dreadlocked gnome with sparkling eyes. he was soliciting donations for his artwork, and when he got some money together he'd take it into the natural foods store and come out with organic food for the street kids. he was a beautiful cat, and I kept trying to introduce myself to him, but there were always kids swirling around him... eitan, eitan... he fed us on raisins and soy delicious ice cream and good bread, shared with us a view of the world I could get behind, where you feed people because they are hungry and because you can. but the thing that hits me hardest about yesterday, the piece that makes me think I need to be here right now, is the field that derek took me to, on a trek through the woods in an area called the pogonip. we broke through the trees and into sunlight and as soon as I saw it, something opened in my chest and tears rushed up to my eyes. my place. I'd dreamed of this place, over and over again as a child. it was a place where I felt safe and warm and full of love. I'd often forget about it between dreams, but then when I'd find myself back there, I'd remember it all over again. of course, this place. my special dream place, I haven't thought about it consciously in years, and I never expected to see it in the material world. but there it was, just like I remembered, flooded with sunlight and filling me with safety and warmth and love. of course, this place. when I was five years old I announced that I was moving to california when I grew up. three years after I finally did, a boy I've known for a forever of lifetimes took me to the place of my dreams. I've spent my life finding my way home, and I'm not so sure now is the time to leave.
(((rings))) |