the old-school guestbook archives
my amazon wish list... my favorite astrologer... my favorite artist... yerba mate revolution! erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys... no more war: MoveOn.org United for Peace and Justice True Majority seek the truth: Common Dreams Unamerican Activities The Nation people I adore, diaries I read: rev.raikes ariana cubiclegirl epiphany glitter333 laurakay wammo the music: the asylum street spankers backyard tire fire blue highway bill camplin wendy colonna freedom tribe joules graves guy forsyth band hamsa lila hanuman libby kirkpatrick leftover salmon pamela means medeski martin & wood the motet the nice outfit nickel creek open road rose polenzani railroad earth south austin jug band string cheese incident taarka tha musemeant the devil makes three tim o'brien band trolley wild sage keller williams yonder mountain string band |
seeing eyes, hearing ears ~ march 28, 2001 - 1:18 p.m. my body seems to be sending me a whole lot of messages lately... I'm just trying to breathe and decode and learn. I'm usually very healthy, which defies my family's insistence that veganism equals malnutrition. but ever since I got back to cali, it seems like it's been one thing after another, like voices from within whispering stop rest heal this latest message hit me at the end of a truly utterly blissful day. derek and I spent the day on this lovely isolated beach, making banana pancakes on the propane stove and playing in the ocean and baking our naked bodies in the sun. we came back to town and spent good long hours in a cafe, derek painting, and me working on a story that's been kicking around in my head for a while. it's exciting to be working on a story, I haven't done fiction in years. and I think this story has a lot to do with some really heavy internal healing I'm doing right now. so we left when the cafe closed at 11, and there was all this pressure in my ears, my head was ringing. and then it started to hurt, it started to feel like something was badly wrong. I flashed hard on a couple of earaches I had when I was a kid, the horrible feeling of being kept up all night because I was in too much pain to sleep. wanting to tear my ears out of my skull. how afraid and alone and helpless that pain made me feel. how afraid and alone and helpless I felt anyway. I told myself that if I went to sleep it would be better in the morning. I curled up close and warm next to this boy that I'm in love with, swam through strange dreams, and woke up in the morning and found that my left ear was bleeding. yeah, pretty terrifying. so we went down to the county clinic, where I had to jump through the usual paperwork hoops to prove that I have no money, but at least I had the oakland ER to compare it to. emeline's cushy in comparison, and I got in to see a doctor before noon. infections in both my ears. and the left one so bad that my eardrum began to rupture. I almost started crying when the doctor described what my eardrum looked like. for some reason, I have this weird fear of something happening to my ears, of going deaf. of losing music forever. it's all going to be okay, though. I struggled with myself over whether or not to take the antibiotics they prescribed, but when it came down to it I decided that I couldn't afford not to. one of the side effects is increased sensitivity to the sun, as if I needed that. I'm already bright, crispy red from our blissful day on the beach. if I get any more sensitive to the sun, I may just burst into flames. so I'm resting. I'm healing. I'm breathing. I'm learning. I'm home. I think this is where I need to be for now.
(((rings))) |