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just can't do this ~ March 11, 2002 - 2:48 a.m. diary entries just haven't been flowing the way I want them to the last few days. probably because I'm not flowing the way I want to. I'm not really sure what's getting in the way of my flow. it's like there's something sitting in my chest that I'm not looking at. something deep. yoga classes. I think that's got to be somewhere at the top of the list for this week. I need to open up, to stretch, to breathe. today I went climbing. I haven't been climbing in way too long. I took ozone down to pacific edge, the climbing gym I used to belong to, so that he could try it out. he'd never been climbing before. and this was a thing. I've been trying to get him to do this with me, pretty much since the day we met. a couple of weeks ago, I started pushing hard to make this happen. because a) I needed to climb, and b) I thought it might be a really good thing for us to do together. something active and fun, involving clear communication and trust. and I love climbing. I've been trying to share things I love with him since, well, the day we met, and I've been mostly unsuccessful. I wanted for there to be one thing that we could do together and both enjoy. something that would be good for both of us. and he thought he'd be into it. he always said he wanted to try it. but somehow, things always came up when I suggested we go. he wasn't feeling well, or he needed to work, or... and I understood, I did. I worked hard at being patient. I knew it would happen when he was ready. then today, when I asked him if he wanted to, he said "sure", like it was no big deal. but then when it was time to go, Something Was Wrong. he wouldn't say what, only that I shouldn't assume his misery was about me. I asked him if he was sure he wanted to do this. he said no. and walked out the door. and he was horrible to be around, the entire time. surly, nasty answers to the simplest questions. he refused to put an emergency contact number on the form they handed him, and it was obvious what the inference was: nobody cares if I die. and me, too tired at this point to argue. I lifted weights and stretched while he was taking their basic safety class, and then we climbed until the gym closed. when he came down from his first route, I asked him how it felt, and he said in that dead, horrible voice: I didn't die. the fact that I got to climb was the only bright spot in the entire afternoon. everything else was about frustration, hurt, disappointment. it's my own fault, for having expectations, for thinking that we could go climbing and it would be fun. ozone and I stopped having fun together a long time ago. and I feel compassion for his emotional difficulties, I really do, but I just can't deal with them anymore. I left there feeling physically fantastic and emotionally wrecked. I'd almost forgotten how good climbing feels, how much I love the challenge, how tight and strong my body feels when I'm done. we came home and I reminded myself to breathe, put on soothing music and made a nice dinner, enough for two, and ozone came up from the workshop just in time to be surprised by a hot dinner and sit down to eat with me. and I felt almost good. cooking is good for me. channeling my energy into giving when I wanted to lash out put me in a much better state. and I thought maybe that would be enough. soothing music. a good dinner. remembering to breathe. but then I was pouring it all out to him, how hurt I was by the way he'd treated me all afternoon, how horrible he'd been to be around, how disappointed I was. and he lay there silently, like he always does. a blank wall. then he got up and announced that he was going to bed. and then I got upset, and then we talked some more, but you know, it feels like everything always leads right back to here. I say the same things, hundreds of times, and if he's in a good space he responds intelligently and maybe even sensitively, and if he's in a bad space (and how often is that) he responds like an angry twelve year old boy. I don't mean any of this to sound like I'm bashing him. I care about him a lot, and I think he's got some really special qualities, but I just can't do this anymore. and I don't want to be in this stuck place with him anymore. now I just need to focus my energy on getting out of this house. getting my bus together, getting my life together. because it stopped being fun a long time ago.
(((rings))) |