the old-school guestbook archives
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just one of my truths ~ March 12, 2002 - 1:57 a.m. what kind of scale compares the weight of two beauties, the gravity of duties or the the groundspeed of joy? I'm fixated on an ani difranco song today, "school night" off of reckoning. I've been listening to it over and over again, all night long. you'll never know, dear, how much I loved you, and you probably think this was just my big excuse, but I stand committed to a love that came before you, and the fact that I adore you is but one of my truths... I lost it today. seriously lost it. she felt like an actress, just reading her lines, when she said, 'yes, it's really goodbye this time.' he lashed out at me in anger, and I lashed right back, and it was one of those angers that just consumes you. all my carefully cultivated patience, all my striving for an enlightened nature, just flew out the window. I fell into an rage so ancient and raw that it just posessed me. you are america, but that is not all; you are also a stiff drink, and I am on call; you are a party, and I am a school night; I'm looking for my doorkey, but you are my porch light... I screamed horrible things at him. really, truly horrible things. one of those times that you just want to rewind and take it all back. he threw those words back at me, over and over again while we talked on our cell phones, a safe half-mile apart. I cried like a little girl, sitting on the steps of pergolesi with my cell phone in the midst of the hipsters and the freaks. while he told me all the reasons why it seems reasonable that he'd be doing the world a big favor by just removing himself from it. and I've never been so afraid for him. because this time, he doesn't even have me. I'm trying so hard to be supportive, but I just have so little left to give that it's all I can do to just hold myself together in the face of his misery sometimes. I go over with him all the reasons why suicide is not a good idea or a solution to anything, and it all just seems to fall with a hollow clatter to the ground between our feet. I got him to make a suicide contract with me, the way I used to have to do sometimes as part of my job at the group home. and he pointed out, in a way that gave me nightmarish flashbacks, that no kind of contracts or promises would stop him if he was determined. I feel so helpless. and of course, I come home to find him gone without explanation. and of course, he's unreachable by cell phone. and of course, I'm terrified. and it all fell so fast, and it all fell so far... it's going to be a long night.
(((rings))) |