the old-school guestbook archives
my amazon wish list... my favorite astrologer... my favorite artist... yerba mate revolution! erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys... no more war: MoveOn.org United for Peace and Justice True Majority seek the truth: Common Dreams Unamerican Activities The Nation people I adore, diaries I read: rev.raikes ariana cubiclegirl epiphany glitter333 laurakay wammo the music: the asylum street spankers backyard tire fire blue highway bill camplin wendy colonna freedom tribe joules graves guy forsyth band hamsa lila hanuman libby kirkpatrick leftover salmon pamela means medeski martin & wood the motet the nice outfit nickel creek open road rose polenzani railroad earth south austin jug band string cheese incident taarka tha musemeant the devil makes three tim o'brien band trolley wild sage keller williams yonder mountain string band |
hard times and good food ~ November 3, 2001 - 11:10 p.m. things have been hard. things have been very hard. but I've had a really good night. yesterday was just bad... ozone came home to me curled up on the couch, and when he'd ask me what was wrong, all I could tell him was that I didn't know what to do, and cry. I finally managed to tell him how unhappy I've been. how completely drained I feel by everything we've been through. how I don't want to leave, but I feel compelled to get some space for a few days while I figure out what to do. because it had finally gotten to that place of impossibility-- where, if things didn't change, I had to leave. I just couldn't stay in a situation that was making me so miserable. and I think he's having a breakthrough of some kind. realizing, finally, how important it is that he do the things he needs to do for himself, that he needs to heal and learn to love himself. that nothing else he does will make anything better for me if he is still so unhappy. he cried a lot, afraid of losing me. he is still afraid, and I am unable to offer reassurances, but I'm still here. and so is he. and I'm feeling a lot of hope. he went to an adult children of alcoholics meeting tonight. and he's got a counselor. and he's going to start riding his bike again. and he wants me to teach him how to meditate. and he's exploring other kinds of healing as well. he's finally realized he needs to heal, for me as well as for himself. he's going to get himself out of this house and out of san jose. I have a lot of hope. I do feel I need to get space for a few days... I'm hopefully going up to stay with friends in oakland. beautiful women whose energy nourishes me. and tonight, while he went to his meeting and then out with friends, I went down to henflings to see catie curtis, a sweet lesbian folksinger I've been listening to for years. I've seen her play on both coasts and the midwest now. the show was good, she had a band behind her, and a mando player who would bust out with some killer bluegrass licks once in a while. it's been too long since I've been to a good bluegrass jamband show. afterwards, I went down to santa cruz to find something to eat, and wound up at a cafe called something like "lobelilia" (I'll have to check on that)-- which used to be "so say we", but has been taken over by pete, a brother I know from boulder creek, who has turned it into a vegan organic yumminess heaven. I had a big thanksgiving plate, with seitan and mashed potatoes, stuffing, steamed greens and root vegetables. the whole thing left me with a good food/good energy buzz. just what I needed. and then I ran into matt, a friend I haven't seen since last fall, and we talked about all kinds of things. matt's one of those beautiful, open-hearted people it always feels so good to talk to. nourishing, that's what tonight was. like a good organic vegan meal after eating nothing but candy for days. I feel good. I feel hopeful. anything can happen.
(((rings))) |