the old-school guestbook archives
my amazon wish list... my favorite astrologer... my favorite artist... yerba mate revolution! erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys... no more war: MoveOn.org United for Peace and Justice True Majority seek the truth: Common Dreams Unamerican Activities The Nation people I adore, diaries I read: rev.raikes ariana cubiclegirl epiphany glitter333 laurakay wammo the music: the asylum street spankers backyard tire fire blue highway bill camplin wendy colonna freedom tribe joules graves guy forsyth band hamsa lila hanuman libby kirkpatrick leftover salmon pamela means medeski martin & wood the motet the nice outfit nickel creek open road rose polenzani railroad earth south austin jug band string cheese incident taarka tha musemeant the devil makes three tim o'brien band trolley wild sage keller williams yonder mountain string band |
a mess of an entry from a mess of a girl ~ November 1, 2001 - 11:26 p.m. it's been a rough week. I've been getting over this cold (which kicked my ass pretty hard), and ozone has been -deeply- depressed. work. serious work. and my mother thinks I'm not doing anything with my life. my wings are feeling bruised, my soul a little tarnished. mostly I'm feeling drained, like I've hit the bottom of what I have to give. it's hard to write much when I feel like this-- I mean, how much do people really want to know about how lousy I'm feeling? past a certain point it just feels like whining. yes, it's hard. it's also chosen. no one says I have to stay, but I do. I do because I believe in who he is becoming, because I believe that his depression is what we "in the business" call a "healing crisis". the business being social services. not that I'm in it anymore, not since I was wrongfully terminated from the group home. hey, now I'm only caring for one abused kid, instead of ten. one little boy who grew up into a man who doesn't know how to love himself or the life he is living. I believe he can. I believe he is. faith. I do know this, though: I need to start caring for myself more. find my way back to the life I was living before I met ozone, the one that brought me so much joy. I need to spend time with all the other people I love. I need to get on the motorcycle and ride. I need to start rockclimbing again. I just finished filling out an application for a ten-day meditation retreat in the sierra nevadas, at the end of this month. it's kind of intense, and I'm a little intimidated, but I think it would be really good for me. ten hours of meditation a day. yes, it frightens me. but it draws me, too. the wisdom of no escape. I want to be thrown smack up against my self with nowhere to run, and to realize that there is nothing to be afraid of. to let go. there's so much that I want. all I've got is blind faith. I guess if I could only choose one thing to have, that would be the one. or maybe love. hell, I've got both. call me lucky.
(((rings))) |