the old-school guestbook archives
my amazon wish list... my favorite astrologer... my favorite artist... yerba mate revolution! erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys... no more war: MoveOn.org United for Peace and Justice True Majority seek the truth: Common Dreams Unamerican Activities The Nation people I adore, diaries I read: rev.raikes ariana cubiclegirl epiphany glitter333 laurakay wammo the music: the asylum street spankers backyard tire fire blue highway bill camplin wendy colonna freedom tribe joules graves guy forsyth band hamsa lila hanuman libby kirkpatrick leftover salmon pamela means medeski martin & wood the motet the nice outfit nickel creek open road rose polenzani railroad earth south austin jug band string cheese incident taarka tha musemeant the devil makes three tim o'brien band trolley wild sage keller williams yonder mountain string band |
long winter ~ January 20, 2007 - 7:24 p.m. I've been crying a lot. it's part of the reason I haven't been writing. I'm not in a good place with my head and my heart. writing becomes writing about pain, and it all just feels so stupid. I hate that I'm such mess. I hate that I'm still crying over him, when he so clearly was not the man I needed. I hate that I still have so much want. want I ache with all the time. want which tears me down, lays me out, and runs me to ground. I hate this weepy pathos. I hate that I haven't shaken this yet. I feel so pathetic, stupid and sad. and yet. I asked for this, I did. I made the choice, to love without reservation, knowing that it would break my heart in the end. I made the choice to feel this, deeply-- all of this, the love and the heartbreak too. made the choice to be vulnerable, to be open. not to hold back, and not to shut down when it started to hurt. I'd forgotten, how love can be. how ecstatic, delicious and joyful. I'd thought I might never feel that way again, so every day I walked in that light felt like a gift. I'd forgotten, too, how completely shattering the heartbreak can be. how cold the world can feel, as if joy has gone and will never return. as if I've forgotten how to see and feel in color. these are things I needed to remember, lessons I needed to learn. it's been a long time since I've been tender and open enough to let my heart break. a long time since I've given myself so deeply to love. and I know he was trying to save me from this. with his refusal to let go into love, with his walls and boundaries. he was trying not to devastate me, because he knew it would be my heart broken, in the end. but all it did was leave me more hungry, more wanting, more wishing things could have been different. that a love this deep and powerful could have been enough. because it wasn't just me, doing the loving. he loves me still, even now, even in my pathetic mess of a state. he holds me in his arms and looks me in the eye and tells me he loves me, and I know that it's true. doesn't make a difference, though. he's got his new girlfriend and I've got my broken heart, and only one of the two of us is alone in the aftermath. and it always does seem to be me, alone in the end. but still, I know. this is all a passing drama. that one day I'll remember this blue-eyed boy who broke my heart and I won't feel a thing but a remembered echo of the pain of this time. in the long view, which I take as easily as the short, I know that this is not a major life event. that I have no less beauty in my life than I had three months ago, before this all began. such a short time. such a short time to feel so much, so deeply. I don't understand how such a short-lived love affair can wreak such chaos in my heart. but of course, it's not just the heartbreak. it's so much else, every corner of my life quivering with want. not enough money, not enough work, not enough writing, not enough warmth, not enough love. not enough. and me so tired. I've been having a problem, lately, with caring. I just can't seem to care about much of anything at all. I know it's a manifestation of depression, but it's spooky and it feels empty and cold and it scares me. like I might never care again. this is all passing, and none of it is constant. I have better times and worse ones, and someday soon I'll find my way into feeling good in my life again. I know this. doesn't make it feel and less long and cold, from the inside of it all. I just find comfort where I can, let myself feel the love the universe shows me even in the hardest times, and dream like frederick the mouse about colors, and warmth, and words. dreaming of the sun, here in the dark of my wintertime.
(((rings))) |