the old-school guestbook archives
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up for the hard parts ~ February 24, 2007 - 4:47 a.m. I don't know how to write this story. this story of how tired I am, how frightened. the story of how it all just feels like so much, all the time. of how I fear not living up to what I've taken on. there's a self-doubt so insidious that I didn't even know I carried it, for years and years. years of perceiving myself as strong, as self-confident. to the point of arrogance, nearly. but this piece of the journey has been all about dancing with my fears, and here is one that lives at the heart of so many others: I fear that I am not good enough. and because I fear that I'm not good enough, I sabotage myself. and I'm witnessing myself doing it now. I'm working so hard at keeping myself from succeeding, it's insane. I haven't been communicating much, either. with my family, with the world at large, with you. I haven't been writing, except in the smallest moments. last weekend was pantheacon, and it was brilliant and delicious, mixed and strange-- and I was fully out in the world and dancing with my love. the week following I'm fully in my shell, curled into my isolation with no transition whatsoever. some kind of balance might be nice. and the self-doubtful voices in my head whisper are you sure you're up for this? for any of this at all? isn't this all just a little too much? we're dancing, these fears and I. but just lately it feels a little more like they're kicking my ass. because the fact is that there is a very real corner of my being where I'm not at all sure I am up for any of this, and where it really all does feel like a little too much. believing in myself in spite of it is the hard part. I keep reminding myself that I'm up for the hard parts.
(((rings))) |