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...the ones I love best...
the greatest love story never told ~
March 29, 2005 - 1:57 a.m.
the band is coming to town. the band of the musician love who is one third of the greatest love story never told.
he and i and ariana.
and the stories i never told you.
a tricky thing, this diary business. because much as i want this to be my space to do with what i will, the fact is that the characters in my stories are real people, with lives and concerns and issues of their own. and i often used to joke, onstage, about how dangerous it is to be involved with a poet. just before i splattered my lovers lives across the audience's faces.
but more so, the danger in being involved with a blogger.
and ariana and i talked about this, back when it all began. years ago, now. somewhere near the beginning of this diary, not that you'd know it to read those early entries. ariana was there, full color and large as life, because she, like me, considers herself as having not much to hide.
and funny, those absences and omissions, because all three of us were keeping diaries, and all three began around that time. he, and then she, and then me. all of us writing our lives, and editing each other out.
even though it meant so much, or maybe even because.
because he had this girlfriend, see. waiting back home and agonizing through every tour. and she wanted monogamy but he'd told her, again and again, that he just couldn't. he'd tried, and it just had never worked. and so, an agreement. of the "don't ask, don't tell" variety.
and ariana and i, two of those not asked nor told of. we'd read his diary after he'd been through town, and see ourselves in the silences, the holes. descriptions of rooms we'd shared with him, naming each occupant but us. hidden words and phrases the only hints, snatches of secret code.
and ariana and i, we ached to see ourselves erased, but even so we learned the dance of omission ourselves. learned the arts of vagueness and illusion. especially after the girlfriend started digging through his computer files, started haunting the sites he'd hit. we'd shrug and sigh and hit the backspace key.
but it was huge and deep and wild, and that first year we managed to find each other again and again, through sickness and strangenesses and tearing hearts, again and again we came together in the spaces between the words, the three of us something greater, deeper and stronger in our whole than each of us alone. we were magic, then, and everything around us touched with light.
and it's been a journey of years now, nearly five since it all began. and he's no longer with that girl, but he's found another-- one he believes he can marry. can even give monogamy. and we've moved from a place of sex being our primary connection to something stronger still, something warmer and softer. so deep, this love the three of us share, so special that connection.
and still i'm careful, so cautious with his privacy, although he tells this one everything now, i still have a sense that there's only so much that can be shared. only so much i can try to tell you, omitting names and places, smudging over the identifying details.
but there's so much there, aching for the telling, that i do think it's time to give our story to words. now, before it slips away into the waters of history.
this, just an intro to what i' m thinking about. the greatest love story never told, and the telling of it coming on soon.
previously... * and then...
(((rings)))
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