the old-school guestbook archives
my amazon wish list... my favorite astrologer... my favorite artist... yerba mate revolution! erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys... no more war: MoveOn.org United for Peace and Justice True Majority seek the truth: Common Dreams Unamerican Activities The Nation people I adore, diaries I read: rev.raikes ariana cubiclegirl epiphany glitter333 laurakay wammo the music: the asylum street spankers backyard tire fire blue highway bill camplin wendy colonna freedom tribe joules graves guy forsyth band hamsa lila hanuman libby kirkpatrick leftover salmon pamela means medeski martin & wood the motet the nice outfit nickel creek open road rose polenzani railroad earth south austin jug band string cheese incident taarka tha musemeant the devil makes three tim o'brien band trolley wild sage keller williams yonder mountain string band |
believing in more than enough ~ October 22, 2007 - 2:36 a.m. I'm getting my equilibrium back. a day or so after I finished the antibiotics, my entire emotional state changed, confirming what I'd pretty much figured out on my own. never taking those ones again, that's for sure. not that there isn't hard, and scary. the money thing is always a challenge, and right now it took me utterly by surprise. I got a nice-sized check from the airline which was supposed to give me some breathing room-- and then my car broke down. it broke down just about as painlessly as possible... blocks away from jesse's house, on our way back from the ren faire. it could have broken down in the middle of nowhere, hollister or gilroy. jesse knows a guy who can do the labor cheap, and found me the parts at wholesale prices. he lent me his car and shuttled me back and forth to the airport for flying trips. he's been amazing. helping is something he loves to do, he's completely in his element. and in a situation like this, it is intensely wonderful to have someone there to count on, happily willing to help. but between repairs and parts and towing, my check got eaten up and then some. I went to re-up the minutes on my phone and discovered that my bank account's overdrawn. and all the scary moneystuff just leaps right out at me again. but I do know that it's all going to be okay, one way or another. and my car's getting fixed, not just a replacement for the water pump that went, but a new timing belt as well-- and that's a load off my mind. it's been due for a timing belt for quite some time, and that's one you don't want to push it on. the timing belt goes, and you're looking a replacing your engine. and there's me and jesse, too. our weekend at ren faire, which was good, and important. an anniversary of sorts, a year to the weekend of the first night we spent together, two years to the weekend of the first time we met. I had a meltdown saturday evening, still in the grips of the meds, but also feeling the uncertainty that had been brewing within him, about whether or not we should still be doing this. saturday night I cried and cried, and we held each other tight, and we talked and cried and talked and cried some more. sunday I was tender, and quiet, feeling cleaner and clearer for coming through the storm. it was a beautiful day, and I felt beautiful, flirting and playing and feeling myself a little more a part of this whole ren faire world. jesse found me at bruce's stall, the one who stamps out two-sided medallions with any two designs you choose. he has a machine with weights, which he hand cranks, and when the weights have reach the top he calls out "striking!", and lets the weight come crashing down, stamping the designs into your medallion. then the girls (they are always girls, and always cute) who work for him cry "well struck, m'lord!"-- it's a whole thing. I get a necklace from bruce every time I go to ren faire. this time I got one for jesse, too. we each got the triskelion on one side, he got a puma on the other and I got a phoenix. I liked the resonance of our two triskelions, because it stands not only for the maiden, mother and crone, but also for the union of mind, body and spirit-- and that's not only what I strive for in myself, but also the resonance I'd like to have with him. and when I told him that, he was utterly moved. and he said it was the best present I could give him, because whatever the future holds for us, that will still be true. it's the harmony we seek in our connection, however our connection manifests. we charged our medallions together, and put them around each other's necks, the triskelions closest to our skins and our totems facing out. we both wear them now, and it tickles me, this symbol of our connection made manifest. this connection of ours is deep, and true. if we can't both be in love or dream of a life together, so be it. it's no less real. we are loving each other as deeply and well as we are able, and learning about ourselves and our hearts in the journey. we are growing into the people who will one day build homes with the loves of our lives, and do it well. it's enough for now. loving each other this well and this much, it's more than enough for now.
(((rings))) |