the old-school guestbook archives
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mood swingy ~ October 11, 2007 - 2:09 a.m. yesterday I was just beyond the pale of not-okay. I woke up early, hurting, my head filled with noise about my heart, my relationship, my life. I got up and wrote a long email to jesse, downloading some of the noise, further explaining things we'd talked about the night before and asking questions that had been nagging at the back of my mind for way too long. then I drove to the post office and mailed ariana back her garage key. I mailed it with a note thanking her for her note, the one that said she was hopeful about our connection finding its way to a place of ease. I told her the thought was sweet, but that her hopefulness is a thing I don't share. I stopped short of telling her that I don't really see any future for our connection, but it's true, I don't. not with things the way they are. I went back to bed after that, slept until the afternoon, woke into sunlight with my head quieter but my heart still racked. I was thinskinned and fragile and nothing made sense to me. why was I suddenly in such an intense state of hurt and confusion out of nowhere? I watched episodes of the o.c., trying to distract myself with teenage drama. I went to a party with my housemate which was really nice and low-key. I ate ceviche for the first time, met some good people, giggled at the attention of a really drunk girl who called me a fiery goddess and kept telling me how beautiful I was. on the way home from the party, I called jesse, wanting to talk about the email. I hesitated making a right turn, and the carload of young angry men behind me started screaming at me, the kind of screaming where they're about ready to get out and kick your ass. and I just lost it. I'd been senselessly hurting all day, and I lost it, started screaming back at them at the top of my lungs MOTHERFUCKERS!!!! ...all while jesse was on the phone with me. and it was the sound of my voice screaming that told me that something was really wrong here. because I've been feeling pretty fine, life has been pretty good, and then all this week I've been feeling off-kilter and weepy, depressed and scared and moods swinging all over the place. I tried to think where it all began, and then I realized: the antibiotics. I thought I'd been feeling fragile and weepy and a little crazy because I was unwell, but really it all started with the drugs. the ones I'm taking for the ear infection, a type of antibiotic I've never taken before. I went back and looked at the drug information from the pharmacy, and it said to contact your doctor if you experience emotional changes, mood swings, hallucinations. at least I'm not getting the hallucinations. it's not that I haven't had emotional things to deal with this week, but being chemically out of whack helps to explain why small things have been so large, and why my reactions have been so overblown. I'm not going to call my doctor, I don't think. the antibiotics are working, and today I felt better than yesterday. unless I wake up in another nightmare tomorrow, I think I might as well just ride it out. there's a very real thing I'm needing to grapple with emotionally, though, and I'm working hard at keeping my equilibrium with it, at not letting it take me down. something that came out in the talking, with jesse. the realization of just what it means that while he loves me deeply, he's not in love with me, and never will be. I've not let myself think too long and hard about that, this past year we've been doing this dance. really it doesn't seem to bear dwelling upon. but I realized this week that it's affected me more than I've ever let myself feel. that it's affected our relationship in ways I haven't even let myself see. and I'm realizing, slowly, that at some point it may well stop being worth it to me, being in love with someone who can't be in love with me. right now, it's still really and truly worth it, but at some point it may not be. and it may not be him breaking my heart in the end the way we've both assumed it will be. it may be me, simply closing the door and walking away, the day it becomes no longer worth it to me. it could be. we'll never know until the day it happens. we just know that it will. that one day, we will both walk away. I'm starting to want more. I'm starting to let myself want. I'm starting to believe that it's okay to want a partner in this life, and to ask for it. I'm starting to believe that this is something I deserve. these are gifts he has given me.
(((rings))) |