the old-school guestbook archives
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ren faire and the blue-eyed boy. ~ October 15, 2006 - 10:03 p.m. writing, not writing... it seems to go in intense swing cycles for me. which I guess makes sense, me being all or nothing girl. I pull myself into the writing place and I'm all the way there, and then I fall off and I'm all the way off. I'm ready for this to be the on-again part of my writing swing cycle. I can never figure out why it feels so hard to start writing. right now I'm inspired, though. I just got back from ren faire. I am such a ren faire newbie, and still very much on the fringes of the community. I'm not hardcore. I don't even know half the language, the rituals, the stories. I haven't settled into a role, a character, or a niche. I love it, though. I don't know why it took me so long to get there. I've known ren faire people since at least high school. I went to my first one about five years ago, with james. that one doesn't really count, though, because I went as a tourist, in jeans. what was most memorable about that one was the number of people who flirted with me. my crazylong red hair goes over big with ren faire folk. one guy said there goes a right ray of radiant light, as I walked by. one sister came up and actually started walking with me and running her fingers through my hair. she cut her eyes at james and asked what I was doing with "this infidel". it absolutely kicked my ass. what was up with that? asked james, as we got back into our motorcycle gear in the parking lot. I just grinned and shrugged. "I guess ren fair folks dig me." I didn't get back to the faire until last year, when I worked a weekend for my housemate/landlord, who has been a ren fair crafts vendor for something like twenty-five years. she's mostly retired from it now, but this year she did one weekend of the fair as a "guest artist", and so I worked for her again. and working ren faire-- well that's a whole 'nother thing altogether. both times I've done it, it's been a larger-than-life experience, filled with amazing people and good adventures. it doesn't suck to go play make-believe with a whole community of people who are intelligent, sensual, creative, bawdy and hilarious. nor does it to party with them after the sun sets and the tourists go home. last year, ren faire was an experience for me of coming back into my body, into sensuality and into my heart, after a time of disconnect. I'd been pretty shut down, going into survival mode when I moved back out to california and had to set myself up with all the resources I needed to live. when I worked ren faire last year, I'd just moved into this house and things were all coming together. I had a couple of really juicy interactions in the course of that weekend that brought me back into my body and into my heart. both experiences were fleeting and sweet, but deep in the way they moved me. and it wasn't just that I'd been in survival mode from the move. ever since the weird boyfriend cycle of james and noy, I'd been experiencing what felt like some retrograde aftershock of sexual fear with men. like the kind of stuff I had when I was deep in working through my sexual abuse issues. it was so subtle, though, this time around that I was not much conscious of the disconnect for a long time. after noy, I moved back to milwaukee for two years. I was disconnected from a lot of parts of myself there. not a thing I've ever totally been able to get over, the disconnection that happens when I go back to my hometown. and I was single the whole time, which I just put down to random fates. it wasn't until later that I realized I'd unconsciously been keeping everyone at arm's length. my one crush in milwaukee was a guy I knew I couldn't have. I began to crack open, though, when I moved back to santa cruz. this place is like that for me. like I can be utterly myself and whole, here in this place. and then there was ren fair. I had a deeply sensuous dance with an acrobat who knew how to live in the flow of energy, and it brought my right back into my sensual body in a way I realized I hadn't been in way too long. and what brought me into my heart was the courtship of one of the queen's guard. every time the queen's parade came through the village, he gave me a sparkling blue eye and zapped me with his energy. and then, sunday afternoon he came to me at the cart where I was working, and I offered him my cheek to kiss. his face lit up and he said "oh, may I please?" and he kissed my cheek and with his intensely blue eyes close to mine he said "you are the most naturally beautiful woman at the fair-- and I certainly hope her majesty's not within earshot!" it couldn't help but be appealing. he sparkled at me as if he was dazzled by my beauty. but apart from the sweet complement, we didn't speak again. I didn't even know his name. I saw him once more, in the final parade, where he turned to blow me a kiss. the whole thing was so sweetly romantic in such an utterly unthreatening way, and it felt really healing. it felt like my heart opening up again to receiving love. and here we are one year later, and I was once again working a single weekend, the last weekend, of the fair. and I knew him, the moment I saw him. not in the queen's guard anymore, but still with those blue, blue eyes. blue eyes don't always do it for me, but his are incredible. he's got distinctive features, not "classically" beautiful, but deeply appealing to me. this time, he appeared next to my cart and said "just one question-- is it all right that I stare at you every time I walk by and delight in your hair and your smile?" and I blushed and giggled the way he makes me do, and I said "you may," and he sparkled and me and said "good, because I would have anyway." but this time, instead of being a flirtation across distance, it quickly became right up close. we sparkled at each other and he kissed me on the forehead and I leaned into his cheek. he felt so good to be near. I'm deeply sensitive and intuitive, and I can tell as soon as someone's close to me if their energy's going to work for me. he felt good all the way through. he felt like a hell, yeah! in a world too long without hell yeahs. we just fell into each other's arms, and by the sunset we knew we were spending the night together. and we had the kind of instant connection where there's no need to hold back. I feel so utterly safe and good with him that I can just let go. it was so good. so passionate and delicious and so, so good. I've been craving that kind of deep intimate connection, and it's a thing I can't do with just anyone. it's either there or it's not, and for the last three years it's mostly been not. he was showing me off a bit at breakfast this morning, but I didn't really mind. he came by the cart again and again all day long to wrap his arms around me and kiss me, and kiss me some more. my landlord/housemate was deeply indulgent and utterly supportive of me gettin' some. it all felt so healing, so deep, so delicious. I know we'll spend some time together. I don't know who we'll be outside of faire, or how our connection will ultimately manifest, but I'm just so glad he came into my world, this deepsweet blue-eyed boy who for the last two days has been my blue-eyed boy. love always feels like a miracle.
(((rings))) |