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the old-school guestbook archives

my amazon wish list... my favorite astrologer... my favorite artist... yerba mate revolution! erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys... no more war: MoveOn.org United for Peace and Justice True Majority seek the truth: Common Dreams Unamerican Activities The Nation people I adore, diaries I read: rev.raikes ariana cubiclegirl epiphany glitter333 laurakay wammo the music: the asylum street spankers backyard tire fire blue highway bill camplin wendy colonna freedom tribe joules graves guy forsyth band hamsa lila hanuman libby kirkpatrick leftover salmon pamela means medeski martin & wood the motet the nice outfit nickel creek open road rose polenzani railroad earth south austin jug band string cheese incident taarka tha musemeant the devil makes three tim o'brien band trolley wild sage keller williams yonder mountain string band

...the ones I love best... missing it all, late at night ~ March 1, 2005 - 2:31 a.m. it's being a difficult kind of a night. this is the thing, about living in milwaukee: i get numb. like i will never feel anything deeply again. it always goes away, in the end. usually when i leave. but in the midst of it, it's terrifying. it feels like parts of me are dying. i did yoga today, though, which felt tremendously good and important. it's been way too long. and partly i wonder if that's why i'm so down right now. if maybe i haven't unlocked a lot of stuff that my body's been holding onto, toxins both physical and emotional. i know that this won't last forever, but there's always a low-level current of panic that maybe, after all, it will. and i remember how much i loved my life in california and wonder again just what the hell it is i'm doing here. and lately all my dreams are in lao. i walk the streets of vientiane and bangkok in my sleep, i haggle with street vendors in syllables only half-remembered in my waking hours. strength and health, things i need before i can step back out on to that path. yoga, a move in that direction. if only i can keep working, keep training, building the tools i need to break free. i am tired of this place, tired of this fear of losing myself to numbness, to an emptiness of heart which leaves me cold and alone in this wasteland. tired of my own ill health. tired of how much energy it takes just to believe. my life used to be filled with magic. where did it go? previously... * and then... (((rings)))