the old-school guestbook archives
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strange dreams ~ June 11, 2002 - 9:44 p.m. I just wrote a long story, then bumped the wrong key, and now it's all gone. you'll have to make do with whatever I come up with, because I certainly don't have the time or energy to tell it all again just now. but partly it was about how strange things are right now. people keep getting hurt, injured physically and emotionally. james and his motorcycle accident. gideon, who may well be dying of AIDS. shanti, a member of our larger yoga community, who just passed away. it feels like death is lingering at the edges of my consciousness lately. not like I'm feeling dark or heavy at all-- in fact, I feel wonderful. very, very happy for the most part. but I've been having these dreams. a nightmare, last week, that really shook me up. the kind you wake up in a cold sweat from at 3:30 in the morning, turn on the light and read your book for a little while to let the terror drain away before you head back into sleep. in the dream, I was someone else. a woman, maybe just a little bit older than I am, with dark hair. and she was-- insane, in some way. either because she was mentally ill or had done too many drugs. I know this because I was thinking her thoughts, and her thoughts made no sense. her thinking was disjointed, surreal-- like everything was connected up wrong. she believed she was being tormented by a vengeful god, or gods. the god she believed in was malicious and terrifying. at some point it held her up by the ceiling of her bedroom before dropping her to the floor. she tried to scream, but the only sound that would come out was an eerie keening. she was afraid of someone hearing, but at the same time wanted someone to come. she couldn't remember if she was alone in the house or not, but as she continued to keen and no one came, it appeared she was alone with her vengeful gods. she wandered through the house, begging for release. she wrapped herself up in blankets and tried not to be afraid, but the terror would not leave her. terror screetching against every nerve in her body. she was wracked with pain. and then she was sitting on the couch, and it felt as if every corner , every crevice of her body was filling up with vomit. she felt herself choking on it, filling up her lungs, and then she felt her soul leaving her body, and she knew that she was dying. and I was there, I was in her experience, and I felt that soul and felt it to be mine and I started screaming that I wasn't ready to leave, but the screaming had no voice and I/she was already hovering in the air above that sad little collapsed body on the couch, all hunched in on itself and so clearly an empty husk. and she/I thought how unfair it was that someone, a friend probably, would have to find her empty body there. and it so clearly was not a good death, a right death. I think it was drugs. and this is the dream I woke up from in a cold sweat, with a terror it was hard to shake. this is the dream that still haunts me. so vivid and strange that I don't know what to do with it. and then last night. last night I dreamed that I watched my mother burst into flames. she'd been doing something strange, dreamlike, with a propane lantern and a bottle of propane, standing in front of a large fireplace with a raging fire. and I thought that's dangerous, and then the thing in her hands was in flames, and she was wide-eyed with panic, and I yelled, throw it in the fire! -- and then wondered if that was the right thing to do. so she threw it in the fire, and then turned to run, and suddenly there was an explosion, but instead of the fireplace exploding, she just burst into flames, and I was screaming MOM! MOM!! in terror. and then the flames went out and she collapsed. I ran to her, and someone else was there, and I started CPR, but I'd only given her one breath when I realized that she was breathing on her own. and I knew she was going to live, although I didn't know if she was going to be all right. and I didn't know if it was my fault for telling her to throw it into the fire. so yes. strange dreams. I'm happy, really I am. but clearly there's something more going on here.
(((rings))) |