my amazon wish list...
my favorite astrologer...
my favorite artist...
yerba mate revolution!
erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys...
no more war:
MoveOn.org
United for Peace and Justice
True Majority
seek the truth:
Common Dreams
Unamerican Activities
The Nation
people I adore, diaries I read:
rev.raikes
ariana
cubiclegirl
epiphany
glitter333
laurakay
wammo
the music:
the asylum street spankers
backyard tire fire
blue highway
bill camplin
wendy colonna
freedom tribe
joules graves
guy forsyth band
hamsa lila
hanuman
libby kirkpatrick
leftover salmon
pamela means
medeski martin & wood
the motet
the nice outfit
nickel creek
open road
rose polenzani
railroad earth
south austin jug band
string cheese incident
taarka
tha musemeant
the devil makes three
tim o'brien band
trolley
wild sage
keller williams
yonder mountain string band
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...the ones I love best...
believing it'll be okay... ~
December 30, 2004 - 12:42 a.m.
i am exhausted.
on every level.
lately, it just feels like my energy reserves are gone. and i'm working a lot. so i feel raw and haggard and everything hurts, everything feels hard.
and as always, there are moments of grace. christmas was beautiful. i was on call christmas eve, but didn't get called. off christmas day. my brother and sister in law were in town, so we were all together. i baked and decorated christmas cookies with the nephews on the eve, and both my parents thanked me profusely, because it kept them peacefully entertained and occupied all evening.
i spent the day with the family, opening presents and eating sweets and lazing in front of the fire. all of my presents went over really well, and i got the ipod i've been dreaming of. i'm in love with it, truly. what a gift; music wherever i go.
and i was supposed to go to sweet boy's dvd release party that night, but i had no energy, was totally wiped out, and just could not make myself move from beside the fire. and i ached. but i remind myself that, in any case, he's someone else's boyfriend. they all are. my dear ones. my maybe somedays.
my heart was raw and tender that night. i don't know why. maybe the warm family time opened it to where the sharp edges could make themselves felt. maybe the creeping lonelies that only catch up to me from time to time.
but, my parents in bed, my presents packed up, i sat on the bottom step to put on my boots and began to weep.
it happens, from time to time.
i breathed deep and reminded myself not to shut down against the pain of my heart. bono said something recently in an interview, talking about the death of his father. about how grief and heartbreak keep the heart porous. how hardness of heart is what shuts a writer down.
and i'm trying like hell to open up rather than shut down. even when everything hurts. so i breathed deep, walked out into the cold.
and it had been snowing. not really enough for a true christmas snow, but there was a thin carpet of those huge fluffy snowflakes that soften the edges of the city, that give everything a fairysparkle magic.
and i loaded my presents into the trunk of the car, started it and let it warm up while i brushed off the snow.
and then something took me. i shut off the car, locked the door, and walked off down the street. feeling very tender and open, loving the moon and the snow. listening to u2 on my ipod and breathing in the cold, clear night. i walked through the neighborhood where i grew up, aching with memories. things that have changed and things that haven't. walked to riverside park and brushed snow off a swing. and swinging and swinging, so high. joyful and dizzy in the moonlight.
and i walked back to my car, feeling dreamy and strange. memories, memories, memories. wondering if i'd missed something important. exhausted, but happy, and feeling somehow that everything's going to be okay.
and even though i'm just so tired, too exhausted even to reach out to the people that love me, somehow i believe it.
previously... * and then...
(((rings)))
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