my amazon wish list...
my favorite astrologer...
my favorite artist...
yerba mate revolution!
erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys...
no more war:
MoveOn.org
United for Peace and Justice
True Majority
seek the truth:
Common Dreams
Unamerican Activities
The Nation
people I adore, diaries I read:
rev.raikes
ariana
cubiclegirl
epiphany
glitter333
laurakay
wammo
the music:
the asylum street spankers
backyard tire fire
blue highway
bill camplin
wendy colonna
freedom tribe
joules graves
guy forsyth band
hamsa lila
hanuman
libby kirkpatrick
leftover salmon
pamela means
medeski martin & wood
the motet
the nice outfit
nickel creek
open road
rose polenzani
railroad earth
south austin jug band
string cheese incident
taarka
tha musemeant
the devil makes three
tim o'brien band
trolley
wild sage
keller williams
yonder mountain string band
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...the ones I love best...
a change is gonna come... ~
February 4, 2005 - 12:37 a.m.
it's been a while. been walking a challenging stretch of road. having a hard time contacting people, a hard time writing. too much time inside my head. that kind of thing.
my health has been wonky and my energy low, so that's made everything else feel larger than life.
this week, though, things feel pretty good. i suspect that this is because i've been sleeping a lot and working very little. i'm on call this month, and for the last three days i simply haven't been called. so i've been cleaning my room, goofing around. actually doing some editing on an old story that i may actually do something with.
i'm not talking about it too much yet, but it's good and well time for me to get back into writer mode. i'm going to try writing more here, too. frustrating as that is when i feel like everything i write sounds the same.
i'm getting antsy. of course, it's the dead of a wisconsin winter, so who can blame me. but i've got that fear. of getting stuck here. of somehow becoming one of those people who do nothing more than get up and go to a job and come home. watch a dvd and go to bed. afraid of being ordinary.
i'm afraid of the way my heart hardens in this place. afraid that i'll get stuck that way. cold and hard and dry. that i'll never again be beautiful the way i was in california.
i'm afraid of never falling in love again.
i want to be healthy and strong before i leave this place. i want my car paid off, my affairs in order.
but i'm beginning to have those fantasies... walking away. just walking. away. packing up the car and driving west until i hit the ocean. filling up my backpack and flying away, spending years just hopping from country to country.
there's a lot of things i want to get together before i leave this place. and my health is a big one. my immune system couldn't take life on the road right now. i know it's not time yet. but it's easy to let the fear creep in when i look around me and realize that i've lived in this house for over a year. which means i've lived here longer than i've lived anywhere besides my childhood home. when i turn 32 like i did last week and realize-- jesus christ, am i really 32???
i'm trusting that i'll know when it's time to leave. but i remember that i kept saying that, too, when i was living with james. and that time i stayed so long i hated him by the time it was over. i don't want to feel that way about anyone, or anything, ever.
see, it all just goes in circles.
i'm thinking this month will be good, if i keep not getting called like this. i needed a break.
i think what i'm feeling, really, is a change coming on. we'll see.
i'll letcha know what it looks like when it gets here.
previously... * and then...
(((rings)))
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