the old-school guestbook archives
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the world's oldest story ~ January 20, 2003 - 3:51 a.m. I am feeling very raw, very open, very emotional tonight. I feel like I've broken through something. I've felt it coming for a while, and maybe that's what I've been running from. maybe that's why I haven't been able to get anything done. I had a good day today, a family kind of day. me and my dad took my 10-year-old nephew, lucas, to see the new lord of the rings. we all liked it. then all of us went out to dinner-- mom, dad, my sister shannon, lucas and his little brother nicky. after dinner, me and shannon went to potawotami bingo, our almost-once-a-year ritual. again we didn't win big money, and again we were amazed, like we are every year. I got home around midnight, work to do but I needed to unwind a bit first. brokedown palace was on cable, so I kicked back and watched it for a while. I like that movie, I like clare danes, I love the soundtrack. it's set in thailand, and it's the first time I've seen it since I've actually been there. it was the soundtrack that got me, though. two and a half years ago, that soundtrack was the album I was listening to. on the very nice stereo system I had just bought, with money made at my Very Good Job. I set the timer on that stereo to wake me up with that cd in the morning, so that was the music of my life. at that time in my life. you know how that goes. so I was watching the movie, now, two and a half years later, and this one song just reached into my heart and wrenched it open, as I got a full-body memory of where I was at back then and what that song used to mean to me. All of my life I've been in hiding Wishing there was someone just like you Now that you're here, now that I've found you I know that you're the one to pull me through back then I was in love. really, truly, madly, deeply. liam was the love of my life. I loved him in a way I hadn't thought possible for many years. all of the hardness, all of the cynicism just fell away. I felt like I was 15 years old again, loving like I'd never been hurt. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with liam. get married, have babies, build a house, the whole thing. and then he left. our relationship was brief and brilliant as a shooting star, and left me completely devastated in its wake. it was a good thing, really. my heart broke, but it broke wide open. I found myself capable of loving more openly and honestly than I'd ever been able to before. and losing everything I'd been so attached to allowed me to really let go. and in so doing I let go of everything that had been holding me back in my life. I learned to follow my heart where it was leading me, and life became utterly extraordinary. but all of that doesn't change the fact that when he wrote me last summer to say that he'd gotten married, I just didn't know what to say. I mean, he was at one time the love of my life. you know? it didn't help that his e-mail arrived the same day as a somewhat psychotic blind-side attack from my mentally ill ex. I shelved the e-mail from liam until I had the emotional capacity to know just what it was I was feeling, and to respond. tonight I finally did. I wrote him a long, rambling e-mail, doing my best to describe everything it is that I'm feeling. because when I heard that song again, after all these years, I started crying, and suddenly I could feel it all. I really am delighted that he's found someone he wants to share his life with. I'm also sad that we've drifted so far apart, that I should hear such major news after the fact. I also feel a tinge of poignancy for that girl I was, and the dreams I rested on his shoulders. and more and more I feel the ache of the part of me that craves partnership, family, something like stability. home. it's been two and a half years since I had a stable home address. and that long since I had a partnership with someone I felt like I could build a future with. sometimes I wake up in the morning and can't remember, for a moment, what country I'm in. I live in guestrooms, on other people's living room couches. I carry my life in a backpack. I no longer even have a car to call my own. and I love it, I do, I wouldn't trade my life for anything-- not just yet, anyway. but I can feel it building inside me. the craving for something deeper, warmer, more solid and lasting. I want to have a baby, I want to build a house. and, goddammit, I miss being in love. I miss being with someone who just utterly delights me. bliss. I miss it. there's one person in this world I'd commit to in a heartbeat, but his path is taking him elsewhere at the moment. I may have to wait another lifetime or two for a love that true. I wrote to liam and I told him all of that. all of that and more. I miss him, and the way we used to talk. I'm hoping if I let him back into my life and my emotional truths, we can find our way back to our friendship. tonight it's all about love and heartache. the world's oldest story, larger than life no matter how many times we tell it. all the lost children looking for a place to call home.
(((rings))) |