the old-school guestbook archives
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with open eyes and open arms ~ March 6, 2002 - 12:29 a.m. today I got just about everything done that I wanted to. it felt really good. including a shitload of laundry, and voting. even though I feel like the system is inherently flawed, and that we should just burn it down and build something new from the ground on up, I always vote. I vote because there was one election where I didn't vote. it was too much trouble to get to the polling place, or something. I didn't vote, and some truly heinous proposition got passed. I think it was the one to abolish bilingual education. and it didn't pass by very much. I still feel guilty for not voting in that election. so, I vote. even though the system is inherently flawed. I had a girlfriend, leslie, who didn't believe in voting. she didn't believe that choosing the lesser of the evils is any kind of choice at all. of course, she's right. but what if you don't vote, and horrible, evil people get into office? I asked. (today's united states being a case in point.) she shrugged. it's during the worst times that people become inspired to rise up and create real change. she was a true anarchist, leslie, in the best sense of that word. I was a little in awe of the radicality (is that a word) of her beliefs. not vote? I was raised to be a middle-class left-wing liberal. leslie showed me that there were other ways to interact with the world. but still, I vote. because I can. and in the meantime, I fan the flames of the fire that, in the end, is going to burn the system down. speaking of things burning down... ozone and I are getting along much better since we broke up. we laughed about it over breakfast at zachary's. we should have broken up months ago! he said. it's good to laugh with him again. everything's not so heavy, now that it's understood that I'm on my way out the door. I've been dreaming about the work I'm going to do on my bus. thing one for tomorrow's list is finding out how to contact the company that will send a bus engine to your door. I'm told they're easy to swap out. I'm also going to fix up the inside so that it's really nice, and of course, the outside will get its own treatment. oh yeah, I've got plans, big plans. it's funny, I've been so anxious to get rooted, and now I feel perfectly happy contemplating moving back into a vehicle. coming back to santa cruz has reminded me of a lot of things. like how easy it is to live the good life here, whether or not you have a house. I ran into my friend brian today on pacific ave, and he was telling me how he's been living out of his car for the last seven months, and loving it. we talked about how much easier it is to do the things you love and focus your creative energy when you're not wasting half your life in some shit job just to keep yourself in a house. it's not work I object to, I believe that working hard at things you care about is an important part of a healthy life. it's the mindlessness of jobs I can't hack. I'm seeking work. but I don't need another job. of course I want to settle down someday. that'll happen when it's time. I'm open to it, if the right opportunity comes along. but for now, it feels good to think of stretching my wings again, being in my own space, living in my own way. in that heinous birthday e-mail my sister sent me, she wrote "Frederick was a fictional mouse. in the real world, they would have kicked him out of the mouse nest. or eaten him alive." I was thinking about that today, when I was in the bookstore looking for a book for my nephew's birthday. my sister's view of my life and what it's about is so warped, it makes me sad. I really wanted for her to understand. wanted to be able to share with her how beautiful the world I live in is. it means accepting, again, that my family will probably never really understand what I'm about. but mostly I'm sad for my sister, because the world she describes is so bitter and narrow. I wish better for her, better for her sons. may they someday find it. and may the world continue to unfold for me in all its complexity, all its beauty, all its joy and strangeness. and may I meet it all with an open heart.
(((rings))) |