the old-school guestbook archives
my amazon wish list... my favorite astrologer... my favorite artist... yerba mate revolution! erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys... no more war: MoveOn.org United for Peace and Justice True Majority seek the truth: Common Dreams Unamerican Activities The Nation people I adore, diaries I read: rev.raikes ariana cubiclegirl epiphany glitter333 laurakay wammo the music: the asylum street spankers backyard tire fire blue highway bill camplin wendy colonna freedom tribe joules graves guy forsyth band hamsa lila hanuman libby kirkpatrick leftover salmon pamela means medeski martin & wood the motet the nice outfit nickel creek open road rose polenzani railroad earth south austin jug band string cheese incident taarka tha musemeant the devil makes three tim o'brien band trolley wild sage keller williams yonder mountain string band |
out from under ~ May 14, 2002 - 9:35 p.m. I got distracted by the earthquake last night, and completely forgot to tell you the news: clare had her baby, sunday night. a little girl, no name yet. she had a waterbirth, and she said it was wonderful, amazing. she says she roared like a lion, which I can't picture at all. I don't know if I've ever even heard her raise her voice. she caught the baby herself. so amazing. I'm planning on going up there to see them in august. I'm settling into my new room, although I still haven't unpacked at all. it's a lot of stuff in a small room. I need to figure out how it's all going to work. I know I'm going to love it there, though. I went to my room after breakfast, and my bed, which is right next to the big windows, was flooded with sunlight. so I settled in to relax, read the red tent for a while, and then crashed out, had a dreamy and lovely nap in the sun. and when I go to bed at night, I can look up and see the stars out of my big windows. love it. speaking of dreams, I had a rather heated dream about a woman I have a crush on up here last night. I wanted to tell her that today, but I was afraid she'd ask what the dream was about, and I'd be like um, well, ooh... and then today I found out that it used to be her room. I must have been feeling her energy last night. also today, another woman I have a crush on (you seeing a trend here?), who also lives in the log building-- the cute garden dyke-- came up and asked if I'd take her for a ride on my motorcycle sometime. oh, you know it, sister. I'm feeling really released today. it's amazing, I feel like I'm moving into the next phase, getting out from under all that negativity that built up while I was with ozone. I realized something last night that helped me understand everything a lot better. I looked up a list of symptoms for borderline personality disorder, and it was like they were describing ozone. not like, oh some of this fits-- but like I expected to find his picture next to it. it also said that most have also been diagnosed with some other major mental condition-- like ozone's bipolar disorder. it really made a lot of things click. when I worked at the group home, we talked about borderliners a lot in our trainings, because you encounter them a lot in that kind of work. we had this amazing therapist who did a lot of our trainings, and she used this metaphor. she said that with most emotionally healthy people, they have something like a bowl inside them to catch the love that people give them. with a borderliner, what they have is more like a sieve, so no matter how much love you put in, they can't hold on to it. it's like throwing your love into a bottomless pit. she also said that borderliners are always looking for the next person who's going to save them. oh, maybe you're the one who's going to make it all okay! when I e-mailed the list to keri, she told me that he was actually diagnosed as a borderline personality when they were in couples counseling. it just explains so much. and really helps me to put things in perspective. what we went through, why nothing I did or said seemed to make a difference. and it's helping me find my way back to being in a compassionate space with him. he's with this new girl now, and he says that everything's different, but he knows that only time will tell. I hope, for both of them that it's true. but I finally really get, on a gut level, that I don't have to let this drag me down anymore. out and through. what he does now has nothing to do with me. what he did in the past has no power to hurt me anymore. ahh. life is really, really good.
(((rings))) |