the old-school guestbook archives
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pain and healing ~ April 20, 2002 - 4:05 p.m. is it really possible I haven't written since wednesday? it's been an intense kind of a week. I was warned, by one of the women here, that a lot of stuff tends to come up for folks sometime around their third week here. yeah, tell me about it. last night, I went to dance jam, and when I got to dancing, some kind of major block was released. I was flooded with all kinds of emotions, and I just started crying. I cried on and off for most of the rest of the night. it felt good. really good. I had a meltdown, trying to talk to ever about why it is he shuts me out. he was closed and angry and defensive and he told me I was projecting my stuff onto him and he didn't appreciate it. I walked away from him, for the first time ever. he muttered something like go ahead, walk away... as I opened the door to go back inside, and I turned to him and said that's what you want, isn't it? and about half the time that's true. about half the time he treats me like a stranger, like he wishes I'd go away and leave him alone. the other half of the time he turns cartwheels (literally) when he sees me, and is open and honest and loving. I remind myself that he's young. and confused. part of the thing right now is that he's having a hard time making peace with all his feelings about mount madonna, and I've gotten all wrapped up in it somehow now that I'm a member of the community. I tried to ask him why that is, why he should treat me any differently just because of where I live. and that's when things fell apart. but today he came up to the mountain for tea with babaji, and we talked a little, not about anything really, but he was being open and honest and loving with me and I knew that he'd learned a lot about where he was at last night and that at some point we'll talk more about it. he's good like that. and today. today I am just weathering the storm of all the emotions that I am flooded with now that that block has been released. I'm in a lot of pain, but I'm reminding myself that this is old pain, that I'm feeling it now so that I can release it. that pain doesn't go on forever. I'm slowing down and working hard to take really good care of myself. I had the day off today, and I didn't even get up for yoga class, I just slept until I could sleep no more and then stayed in bed and read and drank tea and took a bath and went to tea with babaji. and even though it hurts, it does feel good. because I know that I'm healing.
(((rings))) |