the old-school guestbook archives
my amazon wish list... my favorite astrologer... my favorite artist... yerba mate revolution! erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys... no more war: MoveOn.org United for Peace and Justice True Majority seek the truth: Common Dreams Unamerican Activities The Nation people I adore, diaries I read: rev.raikes ariana cubiclegirl epiphany glitter333 laurakay wammo the music: the asylum street spankers backyard tire fire blue highway bill camplin wendy colonna freedom tribe joules graves guy forsyth band hamsa lila hanuman libby kirkpatrick leftover salmon pamela means medeski martin & wood the motet the nice outfit nickel creek open road rose polenzani railroad earth south austin jug band string cheese incident taarka tha musemeant the devil makes three tim o'brien band trolley wild sage keller williams yonder mountain string band |
possibilities ~ February 19, 2002 - 2:21 a.m. I talked to clare last night, talked to her for a long time. it is so good to be able to be friends with her again, to just talk and talk and really enjoy it. because clare and I were always really good at enjoying each other's company, first and foremost. even when our relationship was at its most hellish, it seems like we could always manage to have fun together. and she's finally over me. over the bitterness, the anger. and still, she knows me in ways other people can't. because of everything. that relationship was such a journey. and now we're different people from who we were then, and living in different states, but we can still call each other up and laugh and empathize and understand each other the way other people can't always seem to. still connected. we had very synchronistic experiences last week, each of us encountering someone who felt more like home than either of us had hoped for. and we both reacted similarly, settling into an easy willingness to believe in the possibilities of life, without clinging to any particular outcome. clare and I, are feeling open. and hopeful. about things in general. and she's six months pregnant, and I feel her joy in my belly as she laughs: "I'm waddling!" and she is so joyful, and so enamored of this precious spirit she's bringing into life. I'm so glad that we could put the ghosts of the sharp edges torn from the past to rest so that I could share this experience with her. she's going back to school, going into nursing, something she never thought she wanted to do before, but she's realizing that she's going to be good at it. that she's going to enjoy it. for all the same reasons she's so good at being a waitress. her love of people, and her gift at setting them at ease. reaching out and knowing what will soothe, what will draw a smile. it will give her a career with a set schedule, and benefits, something she can enjoy and feel good about while giving her child a stable life. since she'll be a single mom, and the accidental father, like so many others, is not to be counted on, it seems. her plan of going into midwifery will wait until the child is older, a teenager maybe. she tells me, as so many of my friends have, how being pregnant changes your whole life, how you are suddenly willing to rearrange everything because nothing is more important than this precious new life growing inside you. I dream about this, sometimes. someday... how will you know when you're grown up? he asked me. and I told him I wasn't sure I ever really expected to be, but that I knew that when I became a mother, the shift of focus from self to precious other would change everything I thought I knew. it all feels like too much to hope for sometimes. but I'm willing to believe in the possibilities of life.
(((rings))) |