the old-school guestbook archives
my amazon wish list... my favorite astrologer... my favorite artist... yerba mate revolution! erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys... no more war: MoveOn.org United for Peace and Justice True Majority seek the truth: Common Dreams Unamerican Activities The Nation people I adore, diaries I read: rev.raikes ariana cubiclegirl epiphany glitter333 laurakay wammo the music: the asylum street spankers backyard tire fire blue highway bill camplin wendy colonna freedom tribe joules graves guy forsyth band hamsa lila hanuman libby kirkpatrick leftover salmon pamela means medeski martin & wood the motet the nice outfit nickel creek open road rose polenzani railroad earth south austin jug band string cheese incident taarka tha musemeant the devil makes three tim o'brien band trolley wild sage keller williams yonder mountain string band |
the nature of the beast ~ april 8, 2001 - 7:36 p.m. the universe has handed me a time of quiet, thrown me up against myself with nowhere to run. still, I keep running, driving my mind around in little circles because I'm afrraid of what I might see if I sat still for too long. I'm being patient with myself, at the moment. there's a part of me that's sitting back and watching myself run, knowing that it can't go on for much longer before I am nailed to the spot by the truth. I always love the truth when I find it again, and yet it scares the screaming bejeezus out of me, and yet I run. I run. my body aches, my joints rub, my eyes and ears are sore, my back makes crackling noises like dry tinder. I haven't meditated in two days, haven't done yoga in much longer than that. I know what I need, and yet I run. I move through the house, craving distraction. I spend hours on my laptop, without doing anything really constructive. I think about the story I need to be working on, the retreat application I need to fill out, the reading I could be doing. I don't do any of these things. I know this can't go on for much longer. maybe that's why I'm allowing it to go on at all. or maybe that's just an excuse. I am afraid. I am afraid to be alone with what is inside me. I am afraid to be alone with nowhere to hide. I am afraid to be alone. there, now I've said it. why does it seem like I need to learn the same lessons, over and over again. learning really just seems to be a way of finding my way back to the truths I've always known, over and over again. over and over. the cycle of samsara, the broken realm. seeking pleasure + avoiding pain = greater suffering. simple. easy to understand. understood at that gut level, where I can feel it with my whole being. and yet I run. sigh...
(((rings))) |