the old-school guestbook archives
my amazon wish list... my favorite astrologer... my favorite artist... yerba mate revolution! erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys... no more war: MoveOn.org United for Peace and Justice True Majority seek the truth: Common Dreams Unamerican Activities The Nation people I adore, diaries I read: rev.raikes ariana cubiclegirl epiphany glitter333 laurakay wammo the music: the asylum street spankers backyard tire fire blue highway bill camplin wendy colonna freedom tribe joules graves guy forsyth band hamsa lila hanuman libby kirkpatrick leftover salmon pamela means medeski martin & wood the motet the nice outfit nickel creek open road rose polenzani railroad earth south austin jug band string cheese incident taarka tha musemeant the devil makes three tim o'brien band trolley wild sage keller williams yonder mountain string band |
what happens when you stop running... ~ april 10, 2001 - 7:15 p.m. it was right after I finished the last entry that I decided I was tired of running. I decided to eat mushrooms, with the sole intention of coming smack up against myself with my eyes wide open. just me and my monkey mind and a long night's journey into dawn. I learned a whole hell of a lot. and I finally let myself hear the message that I've been fighting for a while now: that it's time for me to stop doing drugs. and so I have. in this diary I usually only refer to drugs in the most euphimistic glimpses, to protect myself and the people I love. there's a war on, after all, and way too many people I know are doing time in various ways for the personal choices they make. but now that I've stopped, I feel free to talk, so let me tell you a little about my history: I quit drinking, smoking, and doing drugs when I was 19 years old. that's almost 9 years ago now. for the first four years, I did occasionally (maybe twice a year) mess around with pot. but it made me tweaky and weird, so I stopped. for the next four years I was totally straight (um, drugwise, that is). last summer I picked up pot again, and it was a revelation. it was like smoking pot for the first time. amazing fun, and it opened me in places where I had been closed for a long time. not to mention all the people in my life who I started interacting with on a whole new level. I mean, I live in a town where just about everyone gets high. I hadn't realized that up until then, there'd been this conception of me as someone who doesn't burn. not that they were judging me, I was just someone on the outside of the circle. suddenly, I was on the inside. I began to remember, again, how much magic there is in the world. I began to believe in the possibilities of life. last fall I tripped on mushrooms for the first time in something like ten years. it was a beautiful experience, and I've tripped three times since then, sunday being the last, each time learning a lot about myself and the nature of the universe. these substances have both felt like a positive presence in my life, for the most part. but sunday night the message came through, loud and clear: it's time for this to stop. maybe these things did help to open me up at a time when I needed opening. maybe they did help me find my way back to my heart when I was lost. but the fact is: I don't need them, and they're holding me back. they're making it way too easy for me to turn a blind eye to my true nature. they're a distraction from myself. so I'm done. I'm human, so I'll continue to find ways to distract myself, but my spiritual practice will always be there to help me find my way back to my heart. I offer up deepest gratitude for blessings recieved and lessons learned. I have been getting heavy lately, haven't I? don't worry, I'm still lotsa fun.
(((rings))) |