the old-school guestbook archives
my amazon wish list... my favorite astrologer... my favorite artist... yerba mate revolution! erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys... no more war: MoveOn.org United for Peace and Justice True Majority seek the truth: Common Dreams Unamerican Activities The Nation people I adore, diaries I read: rev.raikes ariana cubiclegirl epiphany glitter333 laurakay wammo the music: the asylum street spankers backyard tire fire blue highway bill camplin wendy colonna freedom tribe joules graves guy forsyth band hamsa lila hanuman libby kirkpatrick leftover salmon pamela means medeski martin & wood the motet the nice outfit nickel creek open road rose polenzani railroad earth south austin jug band string cheese incident taarka tha musemeant the devil makes three tim o'brien band trolley wild sage keller williams yonder mountain string band |
secrets and lies in the light of day ~ june 21, 2001 - 3:51 p.m. I've got to tell you something fucked up... that was how I began, with a leap, knowing that once I'd said that there'd be no turning back. and it was time for me to tell her. past time. before she and I became any closer. before the attraction energy between us began to manifest. before I choked to death on the secret. I tried to tell him that I was no good at secrets, at holding back. I don't have any more karmic room for deep, dark secrets... I tried to tell him. at the time. I knew I wouldn't be able to hold on to it forever. last fall, when you two were still together... she was already calling me her angel. you were in boston... it was almost too late. and I had sex with him. I have rules, you know? and one of them is that I do not mess around with people in monogamous relationships. last fall, I broke that rule. once. it's been weighing on me ever since, a dark karma hanging over me. when I came back from the road, they'd broken up. I wondered then if she knew. but no. and then I realized that I was going to have to tell her, even if it made her hate me. even if it ruined my reputation in the small town I call home. it was just the right thing to do. so last night I finally told her-- and she didn't hate me, not at all. at least you had the courage to tell me... she called him up on his cell phone, tore into him about the lies, the deceit. he kept hanging up. she kept calling back. I sat feeling wrecked and helpless on the couch, and talked to her, sister to sister, between phone calls. he's angry at me. I saw him in town just hours before I told her. he would have liked some warning. or something. he said the only reason he didn't tell her was out of respect for my friendship with her. he didn't want to cause a rift. he said. he also said that I came on to him. I am no innocent party, I made that very clear, but I was no instigator either. I haven't seen him yet. I'll probably run into him in town somewhere. showdown at the blue sun cafe. it wasn't about you, I could tell him, it was about my connection to her. which is true, but won't make much of a difference. he's an immature leo, and he knows how to hold a grudge. all I know is that I'm finally right with a sister I care about. finally right with my heart. and that's exactly where I need to be.
(((rings))) |