the old-school guestbook archives
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shaking loose ~ March 26, 2002 - 3:12 a.m. I should know better by now. I don't know why it is that I let him get under my skin. yes, he's insensitive. yes, he's inconsiderate. yes, he can be counted on to act with complete disregard for my feelings. I mean, we know all of this. he's got all of his stuck patterns, and this is one of mine: I let his behavior upset me. I take it personally that even the basics of common decency are too much to ask of him. and really, the only reason I get upset is because of my own expectations. if I would just let go of the idea that he'll ever behave in a way that makes sense to me, I could stop getting so wrapped up in my hurt. that's a pattern I really need to be done with. it's just ridiculous to keep being hurt at this point. he came through this morning, and the only thing he said to me was "anything?" that's it, the one word. like it was a question I was supposed to understand. it could have meant, "is there anything I can do for you?", or "is there anything you need?", or "is there anything you're pissed off at me about?", or "is there anything you want to save before I smash the house to pieces and set the wreckage on fire?" he really was giving no clues. how do you answer a one-word question? so I said, "what does that question mean?" and he said, "not much, apparently," and turned around and walked out the door. you see what I mean? well, since I was already all wrapped up in my hurt, stuck in my pattern of freaking out about the way he treats me, I called him up on his cell phone to ask him what he meant by that. now I'm sorry, but I just don't believe that the question was as untranslatable as he made it out to be. "it was kind of a 'meta-question'," he told me. okay, so what did it mean? I wanted to know. "I don't have a good answer for you," he told me. that's when I hung up on him. I called him back, a couple of minutes later, and got his voice mail, where I left this freaked-the-fuck-out message asking what I'd done that I was being punished for. he called me back a few minutes later, and we talked for a little while. he told me that he "hasn't wanted to deal with" me for a few days, that he just needed some space. I told him for what felt like the thousandth time that needing space is absolutely no problem, but that if you don't want me to be hurt you have to tell me that's what's going on. we've been through this, over and over again. he's not big on learning from his experiences. see what I mean? ridiculous. I know better, by now. it's way past time I let this stuff go. me and ozone's ex-fiancee have become friends, and we've been commiserating a lot lately. it's so fantastic to have someone to talk to about all of this who really gets it. both of us have had to deal with being strong women who somehow found ourselves getting tangled up in this situation where we let this person treat us in ways that are manipulative and/or emotionally abusive. this person who doesn't understand the basic guidelines of common human decency. it's hard, to be a strong woman and know that you've let yourself be drawn into this situation, that you've stayed in it for as long as you have, believing somehow that it's going to change. letting his determined-sounding words convince you to try it for just a little longer every time, until you realize that you have to get out while you still have your self-respect. I haven't even begun to process this relationship yet. I don't have enough distance, here and now while I'm still living in this house. I wouldn't be at all surprised if I had a major meltdown when I'm up at mount madonna. in some ways this feels like a final karmic punch for some hard lesson I needed one more go-round to really get. I mean, I haven't let anyone treat me this badly in at least eleven years. he's coming by tomorrow, and we're supposed to hang out and talk. I don't know what I'm going to say. it's all been said before.
(((rings))) |