the old-school guestbook archives
my amazon wish list... my favorite astrologer... my favorite artist... yerba mate revolution! erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys... no more war: MoveOn.org United for Peace and Justice True Majority seek the truth: Common Dreams Unamerican Activities The Nation people I adore, diaries I read: rev.raikes ariana cubiclegirl epiphany glitter333 laurakay wammo the music: the asylum street spankers backyard tire fire blue highway bill camplin wendy colonna freedom tribe joules graves guy forsyth band hamsa lila hanuman libby kirkpatrick leftover salmon pamela means medeski martin & wood the motet the nice outfit nickel creek open road rose polenzani railroad earth south austin jug band string cheese incident taarka tha musemeant the devil makes three tim o'brien band trolley wild sage keller williams yonder mountain string band |
messy sprawl ~ July 22, 2002 - 11:05 p.m. today was just an ecstatic day... hard to believe that a week ago I was still all freaked out and depressed. resilience. gotta love it. went to hang out with my friends at sunday night dinner thang last night, and we had a great night. excessive amounts of good food and lots of laughter. I laugh a lot when I'm with them. he was tired and neglected to show, so I got to relax and have fun in a tension free atmosphere. I still can't believe that he tried to take that away from me, that he tried to forcibly remove me from a group of people I love because it suited his own petty little agenda. but then I still can't believe any of it. can't believe I was ever involved with someone capable of such nastiness. I guess I just really wanted to believe that he was a good person at heart. I'm still a little sad that I don't have that anymore. but there must be some corner of my soul that feels compassion for him. because I still pray for his healing every day, along with a handful of other people I send healing energy to. I don't want him to be punished, I just want him to get better. to stop hurting people. it does seem that I've finally found an effective mode of communicating with him. it involves never speaking to him again. after I wrote about my missing stuff, I got an e-mail from him telling me that it's all still there. he said I'd be left alone if I wanted to come pick it up (right, like I'd ever take him at his word again), or I could involve a neutral third party. option b, please. I don't think I'll ever feel safe going back there again. I'd never see him again if I could help it. since I can't, I'm imagining I'll just do my best to ignore him when we're in a social situation. I have no idea why he felt compelled to make this all so difficult. it all seemed to be working out so well, he was in love and I was happy for him and being supportive of his growth and healing. now there's all this ugliness and stupidity and I don't even get to think he's an okay person anymore. and if he ever crosses the line with me again, I won't hesitate to call the police. I've known too many women who've been hurt by psychos. I guess I just thought it would never happen to me. I have such good instincts, after all. when I choose to listen to them. I poured out the whole story to my mom yesterday. I didn't think I was going to, I didn't want her to worry about my safety. I've got enough people doing that. and you know-- it's kind of embarrassing. especially since no one in my family could stand him to begin with. I guess I feel like I should have been smart enough to avoid him in the first place. but you know-- humans are not just creatures of logic. we're messy and emotional and given to unpredictable behavior. it's easy to fall into an entanglement, and suddenly find yourself deep in a strange neighborhood where you never expected yourself to be. I remember my sister telling me about the first time the guy she was dating put her in the emergency room. and they sent a counselor in to talk to her about the abuse, and my sister, that tough, strong woman, kept saying I just can't believe this is my life. and that was how I felt. I just couldn't believe that this was happening to me. that somehow this one part of my life had gotten so badly, terrifyingly out of control. but it's over now. and I'm so glad. and really, I'm just so happy. I've been grinning all day, and that's what I really meant to write about. I got my plane ticket last night to go up and see clare in a week and a half, so that's one less piece of stress. and fatty eggroll tom just called to ask me to work for him at a festival this weekend-- and I so need the money. that work should make everything else come together. and I decided, today, that I'm going to take a leave of absence from the yoga center for the month of august and the beginning of september. go see clare, go do firedance, work at strawberry, then come back home. and tonight we had a going away party for mridula, with a big drum circle outside and cozy mellowness inside, and I was sleepy and quiet and just cuddled up into mridula's warmth. she and I never did explore the sweet electric tension between us, beyond our warm, deep cuddling. sweet enough, and I'll miss her energy. I'm too sleepy to know how to end this messy sprawl of an entry. I'm just going to call it good.
(((rings))) |