the old-school guestbook archives
my amazon wish list... my favorite astrologer... my favorite artist... yerba mate revolution! erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys... no more war: MoveOn.org United for Peace and Justice True Majority seek the truth: Common Dreams Unamerican Activities The Nation people I adore, diaries I read: rev.raikes ariana cubiclegirl epiphany glitter333 laurakay wammo the music: the asylum street spankers backyard tire fire blue highway bill camplin wendy colonna freedom tribe joules graves guy forsyth band hamsa lila hanuman libby kirkpatrick leftover salmon pamela means medeski martin & wood the motet the nice outfit nickel creek open road rose polenzani railroad earth south austin jug band string cheese incident taarka tha musemeant the devil makes three tim o'brien band trolley wild sage keller williams yonder mountain string band |
the starker light ~ November 7, 2007 - 2:21 a.m. enough with the crazy. I'm getting tired of all the noise in my head. risa's been talking lately about aquarians and worrying, and it's good to know there's some cosmic whammy behind it all-- but enough. I refuse. I'm done. I don't want to dip into the crazypool anymore. I don't want to obsess about my boyfriend and his feelings for me and what he may or may not be feeling for anyone else in his world. I don't want to wonder why I'm not enough for him or why he doesn't want to have sex with me such a large percentage of the time. which all makes it sound pretty awful, but in fact it's really absolutely pretty wonderful apart from some rather glaring deficits. he loves me, he does, although he's not in it, not like me. and that used to be just fine, and lately it's becoming less fine, and I can't help feeling like we're heading into the last stretch of this particular piece of the journey. and I keep feeling like I'm working my way around to leaving him before he can leave me. again. but risa's also been telling me (and my aquarian cohorts) not to make this big decision right now, to really study it from all angles, get other opinions, engage in spiritual study of it. and that we just need to be patient for the next couple of months until the worrying thing subsides. and the truth is, I don't want to leave. not yet. but feeling the ending coming on is scary and I'm just really damn tired of dipping into the damn crazypool. I never used to get like this. not about anyone. the girl who leaves for a living... kryptonite, baby. never been so weak as this love leaves me sometimes. but for now, I'm just trying to focus more on me, more on my life, on getting what I need. I've been a little fixated lately on wanting to date. wanting to make him not my one and only-- 'cause I'm certainly not his, and I'm not convinced it's being good for me to have him be mine. it just casts our different levels of engagement into a starker light. and plus, I want more. and I'm starting to realize this. I want to be in love with someone who's in love with me. I want to be deeply, passionately desired all the time, by someone with a sex drive and a sacred sexual rapture to match my own. and the only way I'm going to find these things is by looking elsewhere. I'm coming to terms with that. coming to terms, but still being in love. still looking forward to the surprise he's planning for me on sunday. still excited to take him to new york with me the day before thanksgiving. still delighted when he talks about things even a small distance in the future, like my birthday or pantheacon. I still want as much of him as I can have for as long as I can have it. but I'm realizing that at some point it's going to stop being worth the tradeoff. and so, I'm thinking about dating. thinking about finding myself something more. thinking about my own self, my own life, my own needs. I'm thinking that's a good thing.
(((rings))) |