the old-school guestbook archives
my amazon wish list... my favorite astrologer... my favorite artist... yerba mate revolution! erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys... no more war: MoveOn.org United for Peace and Justice True Majority seek the truth: Common Dreams Unamerican Activities The Nation people I adore, diaries I read: rev.raikes ariana cubiclegirl epiphany glitter333 laurakay wammo the music: the asylum street spankers backyard tire fire blue highway bill camplin wendy colonna freedom tribe joules graves guy forsyth band hamsa lila hanuman libby kirkpatrick leftover salmon pamela means medeski martin & wood the motet the nice outfit nickel creek open road rose polenzani railroad earth south austin jug band string cheese incident taarka tha musemeant the devil makes three tim o'brien band trolley wild sage keller williams yonder mountain string band |
non-disappearing girl ~ September 5, 2002 - 12:08 a.m. I'm still working my way around to an entry about the last month or so that I've been more or less in the woods and having adventures... it's just so much. I'm not quite sure how to write about it all. I don't even know how to write about today, really. today I went down to santa cruz to meet up with a boy... a boy I met at firedance, a sweet and lovely spirit I fell into bed with one night... he was a soft place to land, I told someone recently. yes... soft, gentle, deeply sweet. and then I freaked out. just a little. then I began to realize how much fear I still have. began to realize that the fear is part of what's kept me from sexually intimate connections for the last six months or so. that, and time to rest and heal. healing from the damage done. and this boy... is gentle and sweet. sensitive. a healer. a soft place to land. and still, I'm frightened. I very nearly disappeared. it would have been so much easier. days went by and it was easier and easier not to call him. but I realized, that that's not who I want to be. I've been The Girl Who Disappears, and I'm over it. I realized that I wanted to learn more about what led me to attempt to let this one in, and what tempted me to bolt. I realized that I wanted to be as gentle with the hearts of others as I would have them be with mine. and I realized that I should use my hard-won communication skills, if only just because I can. and because I believe that's one of the steps towards healing ourselves, our culture, and our planet. so. I called him, just before strawberry. and we played phone and e-mail tag for a bit, and then today we finally got together again. and I was a bit anxious, riding down the mountain to see him. I was over an hour late. I was sure I was going to tell him that I wanted to stay friends and get to know him, but that an intimate involvement wasn't likely... and then I met up with him again, we met at the javah house, and sat and talked about all kinds of things, and I began to relax, and I began to remember: oh yeah, I like this guy. and we went to the farmer's market and ate samosas, and we went to ano nuevo beach, and we sat and talked and talked and talked. and I told him how much fear I've been realizing I'm still holding on to. I told him I still don't know where I'm at... and he kissed me, and I cried, and he held me. and it was good. I can talk to him, I feel safe with him. I feel like I'm finding my way back to intimacy, and maybe he's a part of that. he's certainly willing to be as patient and gentle and sensitive as I need him to be. he's open and sincere, and he communicates. not only that, he rock climbs. so yeah, I still don't know where I'm at with it. I still have a lot of fear, but it feels like this is a safe space within which to explore. this is one to spend some more time with. he and I will be friends, I'm pretty certain of that. I just don't know about anything else yet. but I do know that I'm glad I called him. glad he's here for me. glad I haven't Disappeared. *** if you're dying to know about the southeast asia thing, take a look at travelinged.org-- they're the ones who are sending me. I'll tell you more later on.
(((rings))) |