the old-school guestbook archives
my amazon wish list... my favorite astrologer... my favorite artist... yerba mate revolution! erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys... no more war: MoveOn.org United for Peace and Justice True Majority seek the truth: Common Dreams Unamerican Activities The Nation people I adore, diaries I read: rev.raikes ariana cubiclegirl epiphany glitter333 laurakay wammo the music: the asylum street spankers backyard tire fire blue highway bill camplin wendy colonna freedom tribe joules graves guy forsyth band hamsa lila hanuman libby kirkpatrick leftover salmon pamela means medeski martin & wood the motet the nice outfit nickel creek open road rose polenzani railroad earth south austin jug band string cheese incident taarka tha musemeant the devil makes three tim o'brien band trolley wild sage keller williams yonder mountain string band |
finding the way home ~ September 7, 2002 - 2:39 a.m. I'm too sleepy to make much sense... I always seem to get around to updating my diary around the time when I'm ready to collapse. but I just had an absolutely glorious phone conversation with ariana. glorious. and it's been so long. and I must have felt her thinking of me, because she's been on my mind lately. I've been talking about her, thinking about her. her name has come up a lot. and partly because I've been realizing that I had to let myself feel the heartbreak of ariana's absence from my life. it's just that ever since she fell in love, it's been hard. hard for her to reach out beyond the immediacy of the life at hand. hard for her to give energy to anything outside the world of ariana-and-andre. hard for a lot of reasons. and it's been hard on me, much as I understand. hard because she and I used to be so deeply, deliciously involved in each other's lives. we've been friends, lovers, sisters, confidants... in each other we each knew we had someone who would love every inch of our selves, all the time, no matter what. I would call her up when I was on the road, when I'd find myself on a lonely stretch of midwestern highway... and she was always there for me, always understood the strange and lovely turns my heart would take, laughed with me and rejoiced with me and grieved with me. we inspired each other, told each other our dreams and secrets. we tasted each other's skin, wrapped our arms around our love and called it home. and then she fell. fell long and hard and deep. and I love andre, truly, and I have always celebrated the love they have for each other. it's just that when she fell, she fell away from me. slowly at first, and then faster and further until one day I woke up and realized I'd lost her. I remember the shock of that first series of unreturned phone calls and e-mails. I was in the middle of the deepest, darkest depression I'd known in years. I was in a frightening relationship that was making me desperately unhappy, and I needed her. needed her unconditional love, needed refuge, needed a love as strong and real as what I had with her. and at first I thought, well, she's busy... and eventually, she did call... and there were phone calls here and there, and I'd visit from time to time... but the phone calls got fewer and further between. I stopped being invited up for visits. and then we got to a place, where she was just gone. and I didn't know how it was that we'd lost each other, but I'd reach out and reach out and she just was not there. and I've never once doubted that she loves me. that she will always love me. but I did begin to doubt that she'd ever find her way back to our friendship again. and it was recently that I realized just how broken my heart has been feeling over it. just how much I missed her. and then today, I got a message from her. I didn't even recognize the voice at first, it had been so long since I'd heard that voice on my phone. I called her tonight, burned through all 120 minutes on my phone card, and then she called me back and we talked some more. and it was glorious. for something like three and a half hours, we bared our hearts and wrapped long distance arms around each other and laughed and cried and talked and talked and talked. and I reminded her of who she used to be, and she brought me home to my heart, and we both agreed that we really, really, really must spend time. friends, lovers, sisters, confidants... what ever we have been and will be to each other, the love between us is strong and deep and tender and full of life. and I know that no matter what the world throws between us, no matter who falls and how hard, we will always find our way back to each other. find our way back, wrap our arms around this wild and fertile love, and call it home. welcome home, love.
(((rings))) |