the old-school guestbook archives
my amazon wish list... my favorite astrologer... my favorite artist... yerba mate revolution! erowid: a travel guide for interior journeys... no more war: MoveOn.org United for Peace and Justice True Majority seek the truth: Common Dreams Unamerican Activities The Nation people I adore, diaries I read: rev.raikes ariana cubiclegirl epiphany glitter333 laurakay wammo the music: the asylum street spankers backyard tire fire blue highway bill camplin wendy colonna freedom tribe joules graves guy forsyth band hamsa lila hanuman libby kirkpatrick leftover salmon pamela means medeski martin & wood the motet the nice outfit nickel creek open road rose polenzani railroad earth south austin jug band string cheese incident taarka tha musemeant the devil makes three tim o'brien band trolley wild sage keller williams yonder mountain string band |
the proverbial straw ~ July 13, 2003 - 10:31 p.m. I'm feeling like a bit of a mess. I just sat down to write an e-mail to karina and wound up dumping my whole head in her lap. my landlady just told me that she wants to double my rent. from $50 to $100. and it's not like $100 is that much to pay, but it's cosmically bad timing. at the end of this month, my day job ends. thank god. I'm thrilled to be leaving it behind, but I don't yet have another day job to replace it. my evening job currently gives me five or six hours a week. I could, just barely, live on that alone, but not if my rent is $100. I'm waiting to hear from my first-choice day job, but they still don't know if they have a position for me. if they do, they'll probably give me a housing allowance, and I can pay my landlady what she wants. one way or another, I need a second job, but I don't want to sign a contract with anyone until I know for sure about my first-choice job. so I'm in limbo. and rent is due in less than three weeks. it's really just a big headache, and I'm sure it'll all come together in the next few weeks, but in my exhausted and run-down state, it's opened the door to why-the-hell-don't-I-just-go-home? thinking. because I have a plane ticket, that I haven't changed yet. it's entirely conceivable that I could get on that plane on july 28th, with something in the neighborhood of $600 in my pocket. I could fly to seattle. crash at clare's place in port townshend for a few days, while I figure out the next thing. which could be santa cruz. which could be milwaukee. which could even be vermont. because I just found out that heather, one of my best friends in the world, is expecting again. I missed the first birth. I could be there for the second. and vermont, is a place I've always wanted to try for a while. and I miss the hell out of heather. and I feel so far away from my heart, in this place. so constrained, in a space with so few outlets for me to really express who I am. but on the other hand, there's so much I wanted to accomplish here that I haven't accomplished yet. and I'm feeling like sticking it out through the hard parts might be an important part of what I'm doing here. and I'm not yet fluent in lao, and I want to be. and so, and so. I need to sit with my heart, to find my next direction. I need to hear from my first-choice school. soon enough, it'll all come clear.
(((rings))) |